I detached the descent unit and touched down on the surface.
The joint suspensions let out a heavy metallic clank as they absorbed the impact. I checked my gauges—no anomalies. The computer diagnostics were all green.
This time, I’d finally managed to upgrade the control system. While I couldn't exactly call it "state-of-the-art," it was at least from within the last century. Since the Jester-exclusive proprietary OS was a lost cause, I’d swapped everything else out for the newest models I could find. I used an AI to build a functional emulator, keeping just enough of the original code active so the machine would still recognize itself as a Jester.
For the ballistic weaponry's aiming correction programs, however, I’d stuck with the older software. In a modern world where physical projectiles had been phased out, the latest targeting systems were actually useless.
On the physical side, I’d completely overhauled the gears to ensure they could withstand the rigors of close-quarters combat. The armor was as bulky as ever, but the student maintenance crew had clearly leveled up; the machine didn’t feel nearly as sluggish as it used to. I guess anyone’s skills would improve if they spent their days in tears, forced to fix a never-ending stream of broken weapons, mechs, and heavy machinery.
I began to move across the wasteland using the Roller Dash. A transmission blinked to life.
"Captain, Claire, we’ve touched down nearby," Melissa reported.
Right on her heels, a boisterous roar echoed over the comms. "Lord Groom! We have arrived!!!"
It was the veterans of the Imperial Guard. This time, they were piloting standard-issue units. The term "standard" might make them sound weak, but these were the officially adopted machines of the Imperial Military. There was no way they lacked power.
Since their factory loadouts were specialized for beam weaponry, we’d swapped their gear. Their primary weapons were now a mix of tomahawks, naginatas, war hammers, and sledgehammers—primitive, but effective—backed up by sub-weapons like machine guns and assault rifles. Any way you looked at it, they were a massive upgrade over the humanoid heavy machinery they’d been using before.
This should be a cakewalk, I thought. Probably.
I drew my spear. It was stored in sections, so I began the assembly process.
"Phew." I let out a heavy sigh. I was, apparently, more tired than I realized.
"What’s this? Heavy sighs already?"
A transmission came in from my wife. Every conversation I had in this cockpit was being monitored by her.
"I think I’m just exhausted," I admitted.
"Ah, the Jester’s power seems to be a constant-active type. You’ll have to train yourself not to tire so easily."
"Constant-active? Wait, how do you know that!?"
"Well, you knew the name of the Zorks before anyone else, didn't you?"
Right. I might have let that slip during the training session.
"The Imperial Diet only officially settled on the name 'Zork' a few moments ago," Veronica continued. "So, how do you plan to explain that?"
"Uh, well, Wife... the truth is, I have memories of living in a different world—"
"Yeah, yeah. Save it. It’s likely just the Jester’s ability. Certain ESPers are capable of advanced calculations that allow them to predict the future. Of course, they don't literally know the future, nor does the 'Akashic Records'—that supposed ledger of all fate—actually exist. It’s simply an analytical ability that processes current information to determine the most likely outcome."
She didn't believe a word of my "reincarnation" story. Instead, she’d come up with a perfectly logical, scientific explanation for me.
"Yours must be a similar trait, Lord Groom. That’s why you were so frantic when Melissa was in danger. If you could truly see the future, there would have been no reason to panic."
The Jester really was a disappointing class. At a glance, it looked like it could do anything, but in reality, it excelled at nothing. It was a tragic fate.
Wrestling with my melancholy destiny, I pressed on through the wilderness until a small settlement appeared on the horizon. It was Zain Village. In the center of the village stood an air defense system. Or rather, the village was essentially just a cluster of fields, an agricultural co-op building, and an air defense grid.
I didn't approach carelessly. Even if this was my home planet, I couldn't assume the residents were allies. There was even a chance they’d taken my father captive. I unslung the anti-materiel rifle from my back, set up the tripod, and peered through the scope.
The air defense system was mindlessly firing beams into the sky. I took aim at the turret.
"Correction complete," Claire whispered.
I squeezed the trigger the instant she spoke. The noise cancelers dampened the thunderous roar of the shot. Through the scope, I watched the turret vanish in a blossom of fire and debris.
My ears were fine. With that turret gone, it should be safe for the destroyer to descend.
Or so I thought, but the destroyer was already closing in. Veronica had simply assumed I would hit the target.
Wife... you have way too much faith in me...
"Mwahahaha! Foolish peasants! Bow before my glorious majesty!"
She sounded like a total villain. A truly wicked woman.
The destroyer’s main cannons spat fire, obliterating another turret elsewhere. When I checked the tactical map, I realized she was only targeting the unmanned, remotely managed grids. My wife had clearly done her homework. She was acting like a true commander, thinking about the occupation that would follow the victory. She wasn't about to make enemies of the locals by firing on them. Impressive.
I walked toward the village with practiced composure. With the defense grid down and the destroyer overhead, the battle was effectively won. Besides, Brother Sam should have already sent word that we were coming to disable the system. All that was left was to introduce myself to the village elder.
"Oh, found the Captain," Melissa said as she linked up with me.
"Lord Groom!" The stiflingly enthusiastic veterans of the Guard joined us a moment later.
I kept the anti-materiel rifle propped on my shoulder as I entered the village. The residents had set up makeshift barricades and were pointing pulse machine guns at us. It was a futile gesture against mobile suits, but I admired their grit. They just needed better training.
"I am Leo Kamishiro! I have come with Her Imperial Highness, Princess Veronica, to exterminate the monsters!"
Voices began to ripple through the crowd.
"The Lord’s youngest boy!?"
"Wait, isn't that... the kid who got caught boosting that hoverbike!?"
"The one who was arrested for building that illegal descrambler to watch the 18+ satellite channels for free?"
Could you people please stop talking about my dark history for five seconds!?
"I heard the police chief threw him into the Officer Academy to turn him into a decent human being... but he actually brought a Princess back with him!?"
Stop it. Stop making this sound like some heartwarming story about a local delinquent making good in the army. I only stole that bike because I was trying to escape going to the Academy!
"Hey, is it true the young master married a Princess?"
"Seems like it."
"How did the youngest kid from a backwater dump like this pull that off?"
I don't know either! I just stayed true to my fetishes!
"Hang on, doesn't this all sound a bit fishy?"
Hey, shut up. I’m the one who thinks it's fishy!
"You're an imposter, aren't you!?" someone yelled.
"Don't screw with me, you bastards! I'll kill the lot of you!" I roared back.
"That short temper... yup, that's the young master, all right."
"THAT'S WHAT I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU!"
These idiots!
"H-Hey! The young master is back!"
"The young master came home with a wife! Hurray!"
"NO! I came back to kill the Zorks and turn this place into a fortress!"
"Banzai! To think the young master, who we all thought would be a virgin for life, would become such a great man! Banzai!"
"LISTEN TO ME!"
My dignity was being whittled away to nothing. Behind me, Melissa and the Imperial Guard veterans were clutching their sides, howling with laughter.
"Um... how should I put this, Lord Groom? Do you... need a hug?" Veronica’s voice came over the comms, sounding uncharacteristically gentle.
"Please just leave me alone for a while."
I was on the verge of tears. Still, I suppose it was good to know I was reasonably popular with the locals. In a way.