“I’m finally here...”
I looked out at my home planet, a world I knew like the back of my hand.
The student representatives—myself included—were currently aboard my wifey’s destroyer.
“Launching reconnaissance drones,” Okita announced.
She fired the drone canisters into the void. In the silence of space, the missiles broke apart, releasing airplane-type drones from their shells.
Most of the equipment at a public officer academy is outdated junk, but for some reason, these drones were the absolute latest models.
“Hey, Wifey. Why is it that our school only has top-of-the-line drones?”
“Ah, one of the instructors who ‘died in the line of duty’ was apparently taking kickbacks from a supplier,” Veronica replied casually.
“Did he really die in the line of duty? Or was he ‘disposed of’ in all the confusion?”
“Kakakakakaka! Well? Who knows? I did hear a rumor that the supplier’s entire headquarters was vaporized by a destroyer’s main cannon, though.”
I hate how terrifying she can be.
In times of crisis, the incompetent really do become the first candidates for culling.
...Wait, am I next on the list?!
“What is it? Are you so captivated by your beautiful wife that you’ve lost your tongue?”
“You’re the most beautiful wifey in the galaxy.”
“Hmph. When you say it like that, it sounds like sarcasm.”
“Look, I know I lean toward the incompetent side, so please don't kill me.”
“One who can acknowledge their own shortcomings is not truly incompetent,” she said, dismissively waving a hand. “Enough! Lord Groom, get on the horn and contact your family already!”
“Aye-aye, ma’am.”
I set the radio to the standard frequency dictated by the Imperial Radio Regulations. I made sure to turn off all packet encryption; I wanted to avoid a future where the transmission failed just because my parents couldn't figure out the tech. Even in the age of the Galactic Empire, the older generation remained hopeless with machines.
“This is Leo Kamishiro, student representative of the Imperial Officer Academy. Our fleet commander is Her Imperial Princess Veronica. We request permission to land.”
“Leo?! It’s Sam!”
My older brother, Sam, picked up. He held the convoluted title of Assistant Apprentice Deputy Vice-Commander of the House Kamishiro Knights. In short, he was a NEET.
I could see exactly how he’d ended up in this position. Brother Sam was weak—mostly in the head. He was stupidly strong in a physical fight, but his intellect was... unfortunate. War is a team sport, but Sam was too much of an idiot to play well with others. He probably charged into some skirmish screaming “Gyahaha!”, got his ass kicked, and was shoved to the rear because he was a liability.
...Wait. That’s basically what I do. Is being a battle-crazy idiot hereditary?
“The Princess needs supplies. Sorry for the trouble, but give us landing clearance.”
“Oh, I hear ya! And I’d love to help, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“We can’t turn off the air defense system.”
“Why the hell not?!”
“The old man went missing, and he’s the only one with the biometric authentication.”
“Is he a total moron?!”
Normally, you just don't do that. You hand over command authority to your son or something. There had to be a better way to handle an emergency!
“Hey now, Leo, listen to me. Our planet gets regular flights from the Capital Planet. We’ve even got an Imperial Agricultural Cooperative Bank!”
“Yeah, but we don't have city banks or shopping malls.”
“Do you really think people like us—living so far out that even pirates won’t bother—have any actual combat experience?! Look, the strongest thing on this planet is a wild boar. We haven’t even done a proper evacuation drill!”
“Ah... yeah, I get it. The Lord Marquis didn’t understand the priorities of war and charged off to the front lines himself, didn't he?”
“Exactly! And I can’t get a hold of Brother Dexter, either! He sortied earlier and hasn't checked back in!”
Dexter was the eldest son. Until recently, he’d been on the Capital Planet for his military service. He was an elite graduate student at the Imperial University with top-tier grades. Job hunting should have been a breeze for him. He was the only one who had applied for the partial service exemption for grad students, opting to work for the police rather than the military. I’d heard he spent his days studying and his nights doing grunt work for the cops.
(Note: As an Officer Academy student, I’m obligated to serve two years in the military after graduation. Sam was such an idiot that he actually failed the entrance exam for the academy. How the hell did the Marquis House influence not fix that?!)
Dexter had planned to get a job in the capital and govern the territory remotely. Brother Sam and I were destined for the hellish life of being Dexter’s backups and helping manage the estate.
Well, I had planned to die and retire from life entirely, so there was that! Apparently, I couldn't even get clone treatment after my accident, anyway.
My home was a mess, but it seemed it was truly on the verge of total collapse. My old man was incompetent, and Dexter’s temperament wasn't suited for war—though he was still a hundred times better than Sam.
I guess I have to be the one to step up.
“Lord Groom. How formidable is this air defense system?” Veronica asked.
“It hasn't been updated since my grandfather’s time. They’re beam weapons, but they’re old models. I’d bet the output has degraded significantly.”
“Understood. Destroyer, begin the planetary assault! Crush the air defense system!”
“Wait, you’re just going to use brute force?!”
“Silence! Just get them evacuated!”
“Brother Sam! Wifey’s destroyer is about to open fire on the defense grid! Get the soldiers out of there!”
“Imperial Princess, noooooooo! Everyone, run for your lives!”
I heard Sam’s frantic screaming over the comms... but sorry, brother, there was nothing I could do. I was firmly under the thumb of my waifish wife, and honestly? It was exactly what I wanted! Too bad for you!
The destroyer began its atmospheric entry. I washed my hands of the whole thing.
“Kakakakakaka! As I thought, a planetary invasion really is invigorates the soul!”
“It’s not an invasion! It’s my home! Hey, that’s my childhood home you’re shooting at!”
She began a relentless bombardment against what were technically allies—or at least, the people she was supposed to be protecting. Apparently, it was several times easier than fighting the Zork.
“Lord Groom, descend in your exclusive machine!”
“Ehh?”
“Go protect the commoners from the crabs!”
“...Okay, that I can get behind.”
“Leo! I’m coming too!” Claire shouted, running toward me.
The Jester was a two-seater; it needed a gunner to be effective.
“Sorry! I’m counting on you again!”
“We’re partners, aren’t we?” Claire said, thumping her chest with a grin.
“O-Oh. Right.”
And then there was one more. Melissa joined us.
“Let’s go, Captain. I’m in a standard machine this time. The joints won’t snap on me.”
Melissa had upgraded from her trainer to a standard machine. Thanks to the "extra drop items" effect, she’d successfully managed to assemble it from spare parts. Ever since then, she’d taken to calling me "Captain."
Look... technically, I’m the acting captain of the training ship, but I’m really not supposed to be a frontline pilot.
“Captain, I heard the commander machine has some special equipment this time.”
Finally. Was it a cool energy blade? A sword is always the most reliable.
“Apparently, it’s a spear.”
...They went off-trend on me. Oh well.
We boarded our machines and ordered the descent units. Robotic arms began locking the massive frames into place.
“Descent unit attachment complete. Opening catapult.”
I shifted the Jester into a half-crouch. The trick was to bend the back leg properly and point the toes out to the side for stability.
“Verniers ignited! Three, two, one... Launch!”
The catapult fired. Since we’d slapped descent units onto machines that weren't built for flight, the G-force was nightmarish. We were hurled into the void, plunging toward the planet like divers entering a pool.
The air defense system tried to lead its shots, but the descent unit’s shields deflected the beams with ease. Just as I thought, the output had dropped. My home was a rural backwater whose only redeeming quality was how peaceful it used to be.
“Leo! Applying reverse thrust!”
At Claire’s shout, I adjusted the Jester’s orientation, bringing its legs down for a landing posture. Below us, I could see a swarming mass of Zorks.
On that day, the path of conquest for Her Highness Veronica and her groom truly began.
It would later be passed down as a legendary joke that the first victim of their crusade happened to be the groom’s own family home.
Seriously, give it a rest, dark history.