A Zork’s claws tore into Melissa’s unit.
With a metallic groan, her machine collapsed.
The boys instinctively rushed to her aid, but they were cut off by other Zorks. Melissa tried to crawl away, dragging her machine across the ground, but a Zork’s claws slammed down, pinning her through the back.
She struggled, but she was stuck fast.
"We’re here, you brats!!!"
The Imperial Guard veterans had arrived.
They waded into the fray, swinging massive war hammers from their trainers. But they were hopelessly outnumbered; they couldn't break through the swarm to reach Melissa.
"Save Melissa!"
The infantry squad provided covering fire with their rifles.
Meanwhile, Claire and I finally managed to board our machine.
"Lord Groom! There should be a sniper rifle rolling around somewhere nearby!"
I looked around and spotted a rifle hanging on the garage wall.
So that’s why no one was using it!
Sniping is a specialist role, after all. It’s the kind of thing you only master after grueling training once you've enlisted!
"If it's the Lord Groom, I'm sure he can handle it."
I appreciated my wife's confidence in me, but...
Wife! This isn't a sniper rifle! It’s an anti-materiel rifle!
Still, I didn't have the luxury of being picky. I scrambled outside, deployed the bipod, and dropped into a prone position.
"Claire! What about the sights?"
"I can compensate from here! Switching to the main camera... I’ll run the correction program directly from the console..."
Just as I thought—the gunner could handle the targeting adjustments. I peered through the main camera, lining up the crosshairs on the Zork currently pinning Melissa's unit.
"Correction complete! Fire!"
The moment Claire gave the signal, I pulled the trigger.
The Zork’s torso evaporated. The shot carried so much momentum that it shattered the Zork standing behind it as well. Melissa’s machine caught some of the shockwave and cracked, but since it was already broken... it was fine, right?
...What on earth was that firepower?
"Lord Groom! That gun came from the old base! Under current laws, it's a weapon banned by treaty! How do you like it?"
The power is horrifying, that’s how!
Just how much of a bunch of berserkers were the humans 500 years ago to be using things like this so casually?
"What was that just now?! My machine just shut down!" Melissa’s voice crackled over the comms.
"Sor-ry. The rifle did that."
"Don't screw with me! That was supposed to be my heroic final stand!"
"Shut up! I am absolutely, definitely, going to avoid those clichés!"
I charged forward.
Don't let me down, Jester. Turn all of this into a black history. Let’s end this as a joke.
A Zork loomed ahead. I leaped into the air and drove an elbow straight into its face.
Hard! Is this a new species?!
The Zork swung its claws at me. Recalling my hand-to-hand combat drills, I ducked under the strike, keeping my eyes on the enemy over my shoulder as it passed.
There! An opening!
I hammered it with a knuckle-dusting punch. Using the momentum, I planted a hand on the ground, spun, and unleashed a heavy kick. With a dull thud, the Zork was knocked back.
I immediately drew the chainsaw and slashed.
It’s still too hard!
The rotating blade bounced off the carapace.
"Damn it! It won't cut!"
"Lord Groom, use this!"
One of the veterans’ humanoid heavy machinery units tossed something my way. It was a massive sledgehammer.
"Ooraaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
I caught it mid-air and slammed it into the Zork. Bang! The impact-assist blank exploded, sending a jolt through the hammer. The smell of gunpowder even seeped into the cockpit.
Through the dissipating smoke, I saw more claws lunging at me.
"Uwoooooooooooooh!"
Claire fired the abdominal cannon. It was a desperate shot meant to draw the enemy's attention. Even so, the creature didn't flinch. My life started flashing before my eyes... Wait, isn't it a bit early for a montage?!
"Claire! Don't bite your tongue!"
I reached out and grabbed the incoming claws. Instead of pushing back, I threw myself backward. I planted my machine's feet against the Zork’s chest and used its own weight against it, flipping the monster over my head.
It was a Tomoe Nage... or something like it. I honestly didn't think it would work.
I rolled through the motion and scrambled back to my feet. Just that one move made me feel like I was going to lose my lunch. I forced my dizzy head to focus and leaped one more time. My target: the downed Zork.
"Dieeeeeeeeeeee!"
I came down with a two-footed stomp, crushing the beast. The sound of its shell shattering was a series of wet, sickening cracks.
"And one more!"
"Bleeeeeegh!"
Claire threw up.
I’m so sorry!
Another squelch. The Zork was completely flattened. The nearby Zorks saw the carnage and finally began to retreat, keeping their distance.
"Come at me if you're so eager to die!"
As I roared at them, the Zorks burrowed into the ground and vanished.
Did we win...?
I felt a wave of relief wash over me. That was my mistake. The moment I relaxed, the contents of my own stomach surged up my throat.
"Ugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
I was a human Merlion.
Then, a split second later, the side effects of the prohibited drugs finally hit me.
"Ma...!"
My vision went dark.
"L-Lord Groom! Are you alive?!"
"Hey, Leo! Wake up! His face is turning purple!"
"This is bad! He’s choking on his own vomit!"
"What do you mean?!"
"He can't breathe! Get it out of him!"
I felt someone thumping my back. Someone else grabbed me from behind in a bear hug. There was a wet splat sound from somewhere inside me.
"Alright, it's out!"
Gebu!
My consciousness finally cut out for good.
When I woke up, I was in the infirmary. My wife was staring at me with a worried expression.
"What about... Claire?"
"She fared better than the Lord Groom! Honestly, Lord Groom! You used prohibited drugs, didn't you?!"
"Well, I am the top of the class. We're supposed to use them in emergencies."
"And what if you had died?! Did you plan on making me a widow already?!"
My wife started hitting me repeatedly—not that it hurt much in my state.
"...I'm sorry."
"...There won't be a next time!"
"Uh... and if there is?"
"I will take a red-hot wire and thrust it into the Lord Groom’s balls..."
"Too scary! Stop it!"
I wasn't sure if it was just my imagination, but that was the most painful thing I'd heard all day.
"Oh, you're finally awake."
"O-Oh. You're alive?"
Melissa walked in, propped up on crutches.
"These? They're not from your rifle shot. When the trainer’s leg gave out, I hit the seat and snapped a bone. The medical drones are working on it, but they said I have to use these until tomorrow."
"You should be resting," I muttered.
"Shut up. You should talk, Leo. Anyway, Princess. You said you needed something from me."
"Umu."
My wife pulled out a set of makeup tools with a flourish.
"I had some doubts regarding the Lord Groom’s tastes. Allow me to adjust your face a little."
"Wifey... do you even know how to do makeup?"
"What do you take me for? I am the finest woman in the galaxy."
She worked with practiced speed, applying makeup to Melissa’s face.
"Fumu... just as I thought..."
When she finished, a model-tier beauty stood before us.
"O-Oh... I... I look like a different person..."
Don't say it yourself, Melissa!
"Now I am certain," Veronica declared. "Lord Groom... you are an unbelievable lover of women!"
"W-What?! But I've already decided to cherish you, Wifey!"
"No, listen. The Lord Groom is the type who falls for the kind of beauty who suddenly glows up after going to a university on the Capital Planet, only for him to realize she’s already married. He's the type who mopes and thinks, 'But I liked her first!'—that is his specific brand of hell."
"What kind of hyper-specific nightmare is that?!"
"Waaaaah! The Lord Groom was an NTR-specialist yankee all along!"
"That is the greatest character assassination of my entire life!"
"There, there," Melissa said, patting Veronica’s head. "Leo really is a piece of work, isn't he?"
"Even you, Melissa?!"
How cruel.
Anyway, let me tell you what happened after that.
Once the Zorks retreated, communications were restored. Rescue arrived almost immediately.
The footage of my battle—including the part where I vomited and had to be saved from choking—was uploaded across the galaxy. Or rather, it hit the galaxy’s largest video-sharing site.
It was paired with my wife’s rousing speech. In short: "Students are out here risking their lives! You people need to start an armed uprising already!"
Naturally, my image was exploited for every possible political purpose.
Complete with the vomiting footage...
Black history: acquired.