"Alright! Time for a break..."
The words had barely left my lips when the wall shattered. The moment my resolve wavered, the enemy struck.
Way too fast!
I couldn't even manage a scream before the flying debris hurled me against the opposite wall. I inhaled and immediately began to gag and cough. I had clearly underestimated a Zork that was actually trying.
My ribs were definitely broken. Every breath was an agonizing struggle. Through the haze of pain, I saw a pair of massive pincers. The damn thing had smashed right through the room's bulkhead.
I scrambled away, crawling across the floor. I managed to snatch up the shock hammer I'd dropped during the impact and forced myself to stand. That was when I realized something was very wrong. I'd thought my stomach hurt just as much as my chest, but it was worse than that—a jagged fragment of the wall had pierced through the machine's frame and buried itself in my abdomen.
Ah, hell. I'm a dead man.
This humanoid heavy machinery only had basic industrial plating designed to deflect stray debris. Against a Zork, it might as well have been made of paper. My abdominal muscles felt shredded; I couldn't find the strength to keep my core steady.
Damn it all, is this really the end?
Against my will, my body began to slump. But I forced strength back into my legs.
Not yet! Not yet!
This solo performance by a mere mob character wasn't over yet! Burn through your life, Leo! Push forward and ignore the broadcast sensors!
The area around my mouth was slick with blood. I suppose you could call it a man’s badge of honor.
Alright, now things are getting fun!
"Melissa from Class D!" I roared. "You said you looked like a guy, but listen up! Boyish girls are a treasure of humanity!"
I trudged forward, hammer in hand. The Zork was a monster that could bring down a battleship—it was simply too strong. I realized then that a rearguard action was impossible for one person. I didn't even have the energy left to run.
"Yo, sorry to keep you waiting, you crab bastard."
But someone had to draw the short straw. I swung the hammer back with everything I had left.
"Ren from Class E! You said you were embarrassed about being from the Beast Race! But there isn't a boy alive who hates animal ears! Even the girls love 'em! Animal ears are justice!"
A sickening squelch followed as the pincers dug deep into my chest. I heard the unmistakable grinding sound of my own bones snapping. Neither the heavy machinery nor my Marine Corps combat suit offered any real protection. Still, I fought back with the only thing I had: my knowledge of the game.
Sacrificing my remaining bones for leverage, I slammed the hammer into the Zork's cracked shell. The counter-impact sent me flying back into the wall. A wet thud echoed through the corridor, and the shock was so violent I felt like my internal organs were about to burst.
Fortunately, my jaw was still intact. I hadn't bitten my tongue off, either. It seemed I could still talk. The show could go on.
"Too bad for you. I'm still alive."
Maybe I'd stir up a little patriotism in the listeners' hearts while I was at it.
"Hey, hey! Are you viewers watching?! You guys are the ones who'll be fighting the Zork next! Hyah-hooo!"
Ah, I said that out loud. Not exactly the inspiring speech I'd intended.
But it wasn't a lie. Six months after this incident, the national mobilization system would be triggered and conscription would begin. A staggering number of planets were destined for destruction. Half the students in my year probably wouldn't survive the coming years.
Blood leaked from my mouth. Yeah, my internal organs were definitely shredded. I was in a total checkmate. I couldn't buy any more time.
But then, the notification finally popped up.
[Backup Drone deployment complete.]
The system announced that Plan C was ready.
"Cough... Mr. Crab... I win. Guegh!"
Damn, I couldn't even finish a cool line without coughing up a lung. But it was my win. It was time to activate Plan C.
Something leaped out from behind me. It was the backup drone I’d intentionally left behind, and I’d had it on standby loaded to the brim with grenades.
Guhahahaha!
I had deployed the backup unit, packed with explosives, right onto the outer hull. I was going to blow this entire section to kingdom come! Self-destruction—the ultimate captain's aesthetic! I'd always wanted to try saying that.
The security drone charged toward the crack I’d made in the Zork's shell. I gave a final salute to the drone as it used the last of its power to trigger the detonators.
"Thank you for all your support. Please look forward to Leo Kamishiro-sensei’s next work!"
Oops, I used the wrong ending again. Since it was all over, I decided to close with a classic trope: the "axed" manga ending.
"...Guh! Gebo!"
As soon as the stupid words left my mouth, more blood sprayed out. I’d really reached my limit. This was the end. So, I decided to voice my one serious last will and testament.
"Everyone... listen... I'm going to die here. So... please... delete the local stash of smut on my room's terminal... If you do that... I can remain pure in your memories..."
Wait, I messed up again. It was supposed to be: "Go forth over my corpse! Long live the Empire!"
Then again, my reputation was already completely defiled, wasn't it? Well, whatever. I was dying anyway. My consciousness began to fade into a gray haze. This time, for sure: Go forth over my corpse! Long live the Empire! I was going to show them the ultimate way to die!
"By the way, everyone, do you prefer breasts or butts? Personally... I’m a tits man."
...I messed up again.
Whatever. I felt like I'd said everything I needed to say. I muttered one last time, my voice devoid of any lingering motivation.
"Ah, yeah, yeah. Long live the Empire."
I clicked the self-destruction switch.
The room erupted. The back wall disintegrated, and the ship’s internal atmosphere and loose items were violently vented into the vacuum. And I went right along with them.
With a sudden pop, I was sucked out into space like a piece of refuse.
Wait, shouldn't I have gone out in a blaze of glory like Matsunaga Hisahide? Instead, I was just tossed out with the rest of the garbage! I drifted away from the ship at an incredible speed, spinning in a nauseating tailspin. There was absolutely nothing I could do.
Then, I saw the training ship vanish in a massive explosion.
Achievement unlocked: Matsunaga Hisahide.
Whether by sheer luck or the whims of fate, no debris hit me. I had somehow avoided instant death. As I tumbled through the void, the thrusters on the heavy machinery fired, correcting my posture. I really didn't want to spend my final moments dying while spinning in circles. I was on the verge of vomiting, so I was grateful for the reprieve.
The machine's thrusters also bled off my momentum, which had been faster than a bullet. Now, I was simply drifting slowly away from the wreckage. I was protected from the harsh environment of space by the shields of the machine and my combat suit—at least until the life support battery ran out.
Please die at your leisure!
Today, I will explain the proper way to die slowly in space!
Change. Someone replace me with Zunda●on. I'm about to do a review of a suspicious product from an overseas mail-order site...
Suddenly, my brain shifted from its idiotic one-man comedy routine into "Wise Man Mode." All I could see was an endless, suffocating darkness. I felt like I was being swallowed by it.
Actually, I was being swallowed! Or rather, I'd been spit out!
Gyahaha! That's hilarious!
Even the searchlight on my helmet was useless in this vast nothingness.
"Captain Leo! I've confirmed the safety of all crew members! So you have to...!"
Claire's voice crackled in my ear. The training isn't over until you get home, huh? Well, I’d managed to buy the time they needed. Mission complete.
"Hey! Leo! Are you alive?! Answer me!"
It was impossible to reply. Blood was overflowing from my mouth, filling my helmet. Even so... I couldn't see a thing.
Ah, dammit!
If even one of my limbs had been torn off, I would have passed out from blood loss by now! Was I really going to have to stare into this darkness until my very last breath?
Goddess of Fate! You freaking hate me, don't you?!
Just as my anger peaked, a new transmission broke through.
"Gahahaha! This looks like fun. Let me join in!"
The Goddess of Fate? The voice coming through the bone-conduction speaker in my helmet was that of a young girl. An ally? Her voice was far too young for a soldier—high-pitched and imperious. She sounded like she belonged in the Imperial Junior Academy.
"Rescue Leo of House Kamishiro! That man is a hero!"
"Yes, Your Highness!"
"Exterminate these inferior lifeforms and show them the bravery of our Empire! Listen well! You are not permitted to lose to mere trainees. Now, take up your hammers! We charge!"
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"
I heard the roaring cheers of countless men. Hmm, what was this? Suddenly, the comms had become incredibly hot-blooded. Well, whatever. It didn't matter to me anymore.
A flicker of light appeared in the endless dark. I saw a ship approaching—an exceptionally gaudy one. It bore the emblem of the Emperor, and alongside it was a Personal Emblem of the Rose and Skull.
Ah, I see. That voice... and that incredibly "chuunibyou" emblem.
The 128th Imperial Princess from the original story... Imperial Princess Veronica. She was one of the main heroines.
It seemed I had accidentally survived.
"...I really shouldn't have talked about the erotic files," I muttered, finally letting go of my consciousness.
Apparently, the universe wasn't done with me yet.