"Stepdad, I want to drop out of high school and transfer somewhere else."
I said it to my stepdad while he was doing the morning prep in the kitchen.
Ever since I declared to Hatsukade yesterday at school that I was quitting, I had dragged my feet, putting off the conversation.
I knew very well that my stepdad was busy with work, but if I didn't say it now, I felt like I'd lose my nerve and miss my chance again.
Stirring a silver stockpot with a wooden spatula, my stepdad took his hand away and turned down the gas flame.
"...I see."
Without getting angry or looking sad, wearing a gentle smile, my stepdad took off his apron.
"Let's sit down and talk."
"Okay."
We sat side by side at the counter.
When a short girl like me sat all the way back, my feet just dangled in the air.
"Can I ask why?"
"...Because I don't feel like I belong in the classroom anymore."
"Are you being bullied?"
I shook my head.
"No, I did something bad. So, you don't need to worry about anything like that."
"...Have you talked to your mom about this?"
"...Not yet. I'm going to tell her when she gets home tonight. But I wanted to talk to you first, Stepdad."
My mom got divorced when I was in elementary school.
I was never told the details, but my real dad was pretty wild, so he probably had an affair with some woman.
My current stepdad is always walking on eggshells around me.
Ever since he remarried into our family when I was in middle school, it was always, no matter what, "What do you want to do, Emiri?" or "What do you think?"
But adults aren't the only ones who walk on eggshells.
When a total stranger suddenly becomes your family, you end up watching their every mood, too.
My stepdad is kind, so whenever I act selfish, he lets it slide.
That was precisely why I'd never had an honest, heart-to-heart talk with him before.
Even so, the reason I told my stepdad first was that I didn't have the courage to face Mom alone.
She still feels guilty about the divorce.
If anything happens to me, she worries herself sick to an overprotective degree.
She simply wasn't someone I could easily confide in.
I didn't want to become a burden to Mom, who worked diligently and even took shifts on her days off.
"All right, I understand. I'll be the one to talk to your mom."
"...You're not going to ask what happened?"
My stepdad patted my head.
"With a face like that, you've reflected on it plenty, haven't you?"
I touched my own cheek.
Just what kind of expression was I making?
"You can take time off from school until the transfer goes through. Just take it easy for now."
"No, I'll help out with the shop. I'll have free time anyway."
"Still, though..."
"I'll feel more at ease if I'm busy."
"...All right. Then how about you help me with the prep?"
"Yeah!"
Keeping my body moving kept the dark thoughts from creeping in.
Changing into work clothes and slipping on an apron, I blankly prepped the topping ingredients.
I shredded white scallions, thinly sliced chili peppers into rings, and sweated it out in the spice-scented kitchen.
Fortunately, customers poured in non-stop right from opening.
I scrubbed my face vigorously with a towel.
My makeup was probably ruined, but I didn't care anymore.
Finally, the rush died down, and things settled into a lull.
Right when I let my guard down, thinking it was about time to close, the shop's sliding door opened.
Catching sight of the customer's face, a "Huh?" slipped out of me—a completely unacceptable noise for someone in the service industry.
Sitting down at the counter with his usual sullen scowl, the guy raised a single, unwavering index finger.
"Tantanmen with seasoned soft-boiled egg, mild."
That's what Hatsukade said.
◇
Is he out of his mind?
He was the one person I had actually told yesterday that I was quitting high school.
With what face was he showing up here to eat ramen?
Normally, you'd feel too awkward to ever show your face again.
Acting with all the confidence of a regular customer who frequented the place, he even had my stepdad breaking out in a confused, cold sweat.
Well, obviously. If a classmate showed up out of the blue right after a conversation like that, anyone would be baffled by how to handle it.
"H-Here you go."
When my stepdad served the tantanmen, Hatsukade snapped his disposable chopsticks apart with apparent relish.
While my stepdad and I stared intently at him, he slurped it down, savoring every bite.
Calling this guy shameless was putting it way too mildly.
Also, I'd thought this last time too, but he was panting like it was scorching hot.
Hey, are you bad with spicy food or something?
You always order mild... Why do you even bother eating tantanmen?
"...Thank you for the meal."
Pressing his hands together, Hatsukade murmured with satisfaction.
Then, sliding his empty glass toward me, he bowed his head to my stepdad.
"The jerky from the other day was delicious, too. Thank you very much."
"O-Oh, sure. If you liked it, that's what matters."
"I could eat that stuff all day."
Saying that, Hatsukade shot me a look that plainly said, Where's my water?
Panicking, I poured water from the pitcher with a messy splash.
"So, did you already tell him about transferring?"
Having spilled water all over the place, I hastily wiped it up with a rag.
"W-What are you talking about?!"
"...You're the one who told me yesterday."
"You can't just drop that like it's casual small talk! What if I hadn't told my stepdad yet?!"
"My bad, I didn't think that far ahead."
An absolute lie.
I'd bet my life on it.
There was no way this unnecessarily sharp guy would make a clumsy slip like that.
"So, Boss, what are you going to do about your daughter? Are you letting her transfer?"
"...Yeah, if that's what Emiri wants, I support her."
"Won't you have to move if she transfers, though? It'd be a real problem for me if the shop relocated."
"I don't think that'll happen, so don't worry."
"What if Shinonome decides she wants a fresh start somewhere nobody knows her?"
"That... we can cross that bridge when we come to it."
"Wouldn't having your daughter transfer right after starting high school be a shock? I'd kind of like to avoid having the tantanmen lose its flavor."
I couldn't make heads or tails of the conversation going on in front of me.
Right then.
His expression softening, my stepdad let out a faint, amused laugh.
"Yeah, if Emiri transfers, I might never recover."
"Stepdad, what are you talking about?!"
Just a second ago, you said... you said you'd support me, so why?!
"That is a problem."
Hatsukade, looking not the least bit troubled, pushed back his seat and stood up.
"Since I refused last time, I won't pay for the meal today. Is that all right?"
"Yeah, I'll leave the rest to you."
Even though their conversation hadn't made a lick of sense, the two looked at each other and grinned.
Then, Hatsukade turned to me and barked:
"What are you standing around for? We're taking Pii-chan for a walk."
◇
What is Hatsukade even trying to do?
Heading out for a walk was fine and all, but instead of walking toward the station, he was hanging around playing with Pii-chan at a nearby park.
With Pii-chan's leash tied to a railing, I sat on a swing.
"Are you really quitting high school?"
Hatsukade asked without looking in my direction.
"...I told you yesterday, didn't I?"
"Why are you being so stubborn?"
"Stubborn... It's not like that. I don't belong in that classroom anymore. If I stay, they'll just make fun of me."
"It's not like everyone hates you. The ones talking behind your back just have loud mouths; it's only a handful of people making noise."
"Not everyone is strong like you. Normally, when the people around you hate you... it hurts."
The moment those words left my mouth, a sharp, burning ache flared behind my eyes.
I had tried so hard to keep my guard up, but saying it out loud completely shattered my composure.
"You have Hiiragi and Amanatsu, don't you?"
"Sakura doesn't think about anything, so she's fine, but things are ruined with Nakina."
"She forgave you."
"That's not the point!"
My raised voice startled Pii-chan, who bounded over with a worried whine, but the leash caught it short, leaving it looking up at me from a distance.
"I've explained this a million times! What kind of face am I supposed to make around her now?! I'm the one who did awful things, so there's no way I deserve to be forgiven. What happened with Katsurama was my own fault, too. I got a high off being liked and led him on, and now look what happened... It's all my fault."
Not being able to report everything honestly to the teachers on the night of the fireworks during the overnight field trip was the exact same thing.
What right did the worst person of all have to speak up?
I couldn't even tell my stepdad and mom about this.
If they knew their daughter was such a scumbag, they'd definitely cry.
"Stop playing the victim."
As I desperately held my breath to fight back tears, Hatsukade's flat voice cut through the air.
A bitter, cynical laugh slipped out of me.
"You really never change, do you, Hatsukade? You could at least try being nice at a time like this."
"Of course I don't change. I am who I am. And I've been telling you the exact same thing from the start. Stop acting like the victim. Apologize and reflect on what you did."
Having crouched down to pet Pii-chan, Hatsukade stood up and looked down at me.
"You're the one who hurt people, so why are you acting like the tragic heroine? Do you honestly think keeping your mouth shut with a guilty look on your face is going to fix anything?"
"What are you..."
"That's not what you're supposed to be doing right now. Even if you run away somewhere, you're just going to keep suffering."
"...I have no idea what you're talking about."
Scratching his messy bangs, Hatsukade let out an exasperated sigh. "First Amanatsu, now you... What is it with people?" he muttered, sitting down on the swing next to mine.
"...Back in middle school, I had a childhood friend I really loved. I had stupid dreams about wanting to marry her someday."
"Wait, where is this coming from all of a sudden?"
Ignoring me, he kept talking with a deadpan expression.
"She was always a handful. An airhead. If I didn't look after her, she'd forget her homework, trip over nothing, and cry over every little thing. She was exhausting. Following behind her and keeping an eye on her was my job, and I thought I'd dedicated everything to her. But in middle school, she betrayed me. She hit me with a stupid fake confession prank and made me a total laughingstock."
An unpleasant chill shot down my spine.
My heart clenched tight, my palms turning slick with cold sweat.
"...Well, I got my revenge in various ways, but the real issue was what happened afterward. What do you think that childhood friend said to me?"
"...I don't know."
"After everything, she said, 'Please don't abandon me.' Makes you want to laugh, doesn't it? Giving me some convenient line about how she only realized how important I was after losing me. Like hell I was going to accept that—she hadn't apologized to me even once."
The words Hatsukade had drilled into me up until now echoed in my head, making my body tremble.
"After that, people in our class started harassing her. Stupidly enough, once someone does something bad, people treat them like the villain in everything they do, no matter what. In the end, she got punished way worse than anything I did to her. Later on, her parents came to apologize to me. They said she hadn't talked to them once until things got completely out of hand, which is why they were late to step in. Hey, why do you think she kept that attitude up until the very end?"
I understood, somehow.
She must have thought...
"When we parted ways, she told me: 'Someone like me doesn't have the right to be forgiven.'"
Hearing the exact words I had braced myself for made it feel like I was suffocating, as if a hand were tightening around my throat.
"Who the hell does she think she is? The person who gets to decide that isn't the perpetrator—it's my right. Watching her mope around and suffer wasn't going to clear my conscience. It just made me sick to my stomach. What I wanted was a sincere apology and real action. If she left things vague, I couldn't find closure for my own feelings, and I couldn't forgive her. Because she refused to take responsibility, she couldn't move forward and ended up destroying herself."
Hatsukade laid it out in his usual, detached tone.
What an awkward person, I thought.
He was the kind of guy who couldn't bring himself to act unless he had a clear, solid reason that made sense to him.
And that conversation between him and my stepdad had probably been for that exact purpose, too.
Clumsy, kind, and hopelessly twisted—I finally realized that was who Subaru Hatsukade really was.
"Shinonome, the person who forgives you the least is yourself."
A choked gasp tore from my throat.
Biting my lip to hold back the flood, I hung my head, terrified of letting him see my face.
Getting off the swing, Hatsukade stretched lazily.
"Well, see ya."
"...Yeah."
I stood up, too.
Feeling like the tears would burst out if I let my guard down for even a second, a tiny squeak was all I could manage.
Right then.
"Shii-chan, why are you with that guy?"
Startled, I snapped my head up, and for some reason, Katsurama was standing right there...
My mind went completely blank.
"T-That's my line..."
Katsurama stared at me with a bewildered expression.
Then, Hatsukade stepped forward, blocking his view of me.
"Hey, Katsurama. What are you doing here?"
"You answer first!"
"No, you go first. What are you doing here? As I recall, your house is nowhere near here. I know because we've ended up on the same train on the way home from school a few times. This isn't a distance you just casually walk on a whim."
"I-I... Shii-chan looked down at school, so I thought I'd come cheer her up a bit."
A white plastic bag from a convenience store dangled from Katsurama's hand.
A sudden wave of dread washed over me, setting my whole body shaking.
"How do you know where Shinonome lives?"
"That's... someone from class told me."
"Who?"
"Uh... I forgot."
"Just so you know, Shinonome hasn't even told Hiiragi where she lives."
"..."
Katsurama's expression twisted, turning sharp and dark.
It was a look I had never once seen on him at school.
"Don't tell me you've been stalking Shinonome?"
"..."
Terrifying. Terrifying. Terrifying...
Anxiety closed in, tunneling my vision.
Then, out of nowhere, my body was pulled sideways.
"Huh?"
Looking up, I found Hatsukade wrapping an arm around my shoulder, drawing me in close.
"Just give it up already. This is how things are."
What did he mean, this is how things are...?
My heart was hammering against my ribs.
Even though I had been shivering with terror just moments ago... my entire body was burning hot.
Katsurama dropped his plastic bag.
Jelly cups and snacks scattered across the dirt ground.
"G-Get away from her!"
"You're the one who needs to get lost, Katsurama. Even a guy like you must know by now that Shinonome hates your guts."
"That's not true... We just had a little fight! If we make up, we can go back to—"
Hatsukade pulled me in even tighter with his left arm, pressing our bodies flush against each other.
"Shinonome doesn't mind when I do this. But she's terrified of you. That's your answer."
"Shut up, shut up! Who the hell do you think you are?! You're just a creepy loner who sits in class pretending to be cool! It's disgusting! You just took advantage of Shii-chan when she was vulnerable, didn't you?!"
"Pathetic. You're the coward here. Trying to prey on a girl under the guise of cheering her up right after she got dumped. How many times did you abandon Shinonome to protect your own skin when you should've stepped up no matter what?"
Letting go of me, Hatsukade took a slow step toward Katsurama.
"You don't even have the balls to tell her you like her, and now you're tailing her like a stalker? Who the hell would ever fall for a guy like you?"
"Don't screw with me, you piece of shit!"
Katsurama's fist slammed into Hatsukade's cheek, and an "Ah!" tore from my throat as I clamped my hands over my mouth.
Without pausing, Katsurama struck him twice more.
"Stop it!"
Terror pushed tears past my eyes.
I scrambled over to Hatsukade to support him.
Catching sight of his face sent a chill through my blood.
Even after taking those hits, without flinching or changing his expression in the slightest, he glared Katsurama down.
Katsurama recoiled under the silent pressure.
"W-What?"
A sharp snap came from behind us.
"Woof!"
Pii-chan's massive white body lunged right at Katsurama.
Come to think of it, that leash had been getting old.
"Waaah, get off meee!"
Thinking he was under vicious attack, Katsurama let out a shrill scream and fell flat on his back.
Pii-chan wagged its tail happily, enthusiastically licking Katsurama's face.
...Way too pathetic.
"Hey, what are you kids doing?!"
A police officer patrolling on a bicycle pedaled over in a frantic rush.
With a completely calm, unbothered expression, Hatsukade raised his hand.
"I was hanging out with a female classmate, and her stalker punched me."
"Wait, isn't this a serious crime?!"
Things were total chaos after that.
Both my stepdad and mom were called down to the station for questioning.
As a direct party, Hatsukade was hauled down to the police station, too.
By the time everything finally wrapped up, it was pitch-black outside.
I told the police and my parents everything that had happened up to that point.
Talking about it made my emotions bubble over again, and I ended up crying like an idiot.
I thought I was completely out of tears, but seeing Hatsukade's swollen cheek when we were finally about to leave set me off all over again.
Strangely enough, even through all of this, Hatsukade was acting like his usual self.
He got hurt because of me. He had every right to be furious.
He had every right to tell me he despised me.
"Uuugh... sniff... I'm so sorry for everything. Hatsukadeee..."
He gave my head a couple of light pats.
"Look at that, you can apologize after all. I forgive you. For everything."
Wearing a gentle smile I had never seen on him before...
Stepping away as if nothing had happened, Hatsukade muttered something to my stepdad about calling it even for the ramen.
Then, he climbed into the car with his mother and drove off.
I stood there, blankly watching the car's taillights until they faded into the night.
The guilt that had been weighing on my chest for so long had finally eased, just a little.
Yet, my heart was racing uncontrollably.
Come Monday, what kind of face was I supposed to make when I saw him?