Putter-putter-putter-putter.
I was cruising along on a moped.
Yeah, even on a little moped, having pedals to shift gears really hit the spot.
Still... where the hell was I?
The scenery looked just like Planet Kamishiro back when I was a kid.
Nowadays, after all that extensive development, it was a green planet.
I'd been stunned when I saw the landscape the other day.
I had worried about how it might affect the wildlife, but the critters turned out to be friendly toward humans and actually seemed to be multiplying.
They didn't carry diseases or parasites, either.
While idly chewing on such trivial thoughts as I drove across the wasteland, I spotted Zashiki-warashi sticking out her thumb.
I pulled up right in front of her.
"Hitchhiking?"
"Yup."
"Wanna ride?"
"Yup!"
I let Zashiki-warashi hop on behind me and set off again.
"Hey, Zashiki-warashi. What's happening to me right now?"
I remembered coughing up blood, but...
Everything after that was a blank.
"You're on the verge of death from the Calamity God's curse."
"A curse, huh?"
Another unscientific concept rearing its head.
Though with how far science had advanced, it was practically magic anyway.
A curse was probably just some kind of infectious disease or parasite.
They'd figure it out eventually.
"Am I gonna die? I'd appreciate it if that could wait about twenty years, though."
Death was inevitable for humans.
It was fate.
Still, man, I wanted to live at least until my kids grew up.
"You won't die. Suematsu and the others are fighting the god."
"Whoa... I feel bad for him."
Suematsu-san wasn't built for combat.
I must have really pushed him past his limits.
"Suematsu instilled fear into the god."
"Holy crap... Not bad, Suematsu-san."
"The Second Wave, Isono and his group, arrived."
They were properly organized in shifts, huh?
As expected of top Officer Academy graduates.
"Right now, Big Brother Isono is hitting the god with a home run bat from when the Imperial Capital's team won the championship."
"What the hell are you guys doing?!"
Was that the bat from when that team finally won after decades of losing in the Imperial Capital League?
That's a genuine treasure, you know!
"Everyone brought things that seemed auspicious to hit it with."
Their ingenuity was downright genius.
Isono was way too good at brawling.
"It broke."
Poor bat...
"But it worked on the god."
Is Isono actually a genius after all?
"Big Brother Nakajima threw a statue that was submerged in a river."
Ah, that thing.
The cursed object the citizens of Kishin Nation had chucked into the river.
The Round 1-2-3 Mascot.
"It's super effective."
"It actually works?!"
"Big Brother Isono passed out."
Even that wasn't enough to finish it, huh?
Hmm...
"Guess it's about time for my turn."
"Not yet."
"Really?"
"Big Brother Nakajima threw dirt from the baseball stadium."
Ah, that stuff.
The dirt the losing teams take home from the All-Empire High School Tournament.
Does that really carry divine favor?
"It's super effective."
"Amazing..."
Their faith in baseball was incredible.
As expected of a man who reached the status of an expert without a master.
His strength was completely inexplicable and made zero sense.
"Uncle Tank arrived. It's amazing! When he stomped his foot in the shiko stance, the Calamity God stopped moving."
"An orthodox Shinto ritual!"
Master Tank was a former komusubi.
He definitely had the credentials for it.
Things were steadily turning into a gag routine.
"Well, guess it's almost time... Oh, right. Can I ask something?"
"That's why I came inside you, Big Brother."
I see. So I'm inside my own mind...
No wonder it looks just like my old home.
Well, there was something I wanted to ask.
"The real Leo-kun. Did I kill him?"
No matter how you looked at it, it was just too cruel.
That... feeling of guilt was pricking at me.
Even if you steal something from someone, isn't this taking it way too far?
"Right now, Big Brother is troubled and weakened by that. So I'll tell you. On the training ship that was attacked by Zork, Leo Kamishiro—not the King of Chronos—made a wish to me."
Huh?
The previous Leo, my big brother... that's what he wanted?
"He asked me to save his mother. To save Lisa Kamishiro."
"Not his biological mother?"
His birth mother... had even my big brother cut ties with her?
Just how much of a scumbag move did she pull...?
And man, my adoptive mom really was dependable...
"Yup, he said to save Lisa. If it would change fate, he didn't mind if he was never born. He said he was fine with disappearing."
"Wait, so that means the previous Leo was..."
"The previous Leo had the bloodline of the Duke Association. He could become a Zork, but he couldn't become a Jester."
"So that's how it is..."
Why was I able to change the story?
I see. The fact that I was a Jester was already a result of fate being altered.
"In the worldline where he became a Zork, Leo failed. That's why he entrusted everything to a younger brother who was never supposed to be born."
It wasn't a divine conspiracy or anything like that.
My big brother was the origin of it all.
It was the wish my big brother made when he died on that training ship!
The price was his very existence.
Even in the world where he underwent Zork-ization, his sense of self probably didn't remain.
Even so, he failed.
That's why he offered up his entire existence.
"Then I've gotta give it my all too."
"Yup! Wait a second. Uncle Saurus just brought in a championship belt."
They finally ran out of auspicious items, huh?
No matter how you look at it, a championship belt can't possibly work.
Then, Zashiki-warashi, riding behind me, tapped my back.
"Take this."
She handed me something.
A katana?
"A Divine Katana. Oh, the championship belt worked! You can go back now!"
"Thanks a bunch. How do I get back?"
"Full speed ahead."
"Roger that!"
I slammed the throttle on the moped.
Light expanded at the end of the road.
We dissolved into the brilliance.
"...Lord Groom!"
SMACK!
Wifey hit me across the cheek with a full-swing slap.
Then a backhand return slap. WHAM!
"Wake up, Lord Groom!"
"Veronica-chan! He'll die! Leo's seriously gonna die!"
I heard Kevin screaming.
That was when my eyes opened.
"I-If you're gonna spank me, do it on my butt tonight..."
"Lord Groom!"
I almost felt a whole new door unlocking inside me just now.
"I'm back, Wifey."
"Welcome home, Lord Groom."
Now then, time to pay back my debt to my big brother.
"Yahoo, little Star God."
"Insolence, insolence, insolence, insolence! You foolish creature who dares defy a god!"
In my hands, I gripped Zashiki-warashi's katana.
"L-Lord Groom... what is that katana?"
"A present from Zashiki-warashi."
The katana radiated light.
Seeing that radiance, the Star God's face twisted.
"Insolence!"
Whoa, a shockwave.
"Hmph!"
Well, you know.
It was still way better than Katori-sensei's battle spirit.
Then I'll put some spirit into it too.
"ROOOOOOOAAAARRRRRR!"
The room trembled with an intense vibration.
"Kawagon, the king of beasts..."
That's harsh, Isono.
What, were you knocked out too?
...You've got blood pouring from your eyes.
"Husband-sama! The Third Wave has arrived!"
Ren, Melissa, and Claire arrived.
The relief squad, huh.
Soldiers were carrying away Master Tank, who had collapsed while wearing a mawashi.
Sorry 'bout that.
I'll treat you later.
"Her Majesty has arrived!"
At this point, One-O-One and the female Zork Squad arrived as well.
"Taikyoku Nation Priest Corps, pray!"
And the priest corps for the Third Wave was Taikyoku Nation.
Shi-yun took command.
Shi-yun was... wearing a baseball uniform....Excuse me?
The guys behind her are... a baseball cheer squad?!
"Sing the fight song!"
They belted out the fight song at maximum volume.
I had wondered if it would actually do anything.
Everyone must have doubted it, which was probably why they were placed in the Third Wave.
But the effect was massive.
The Star God flinched.
Let me tell you something even scarier.
The Kishin Nation cheer squad, who were probably waiting on standby in the Fourth Wave, started singing their fight song out in the hallway.
They must not have been able to hold back anymore.
"I-Insolent..."
I slowly walked closer.
To be completely honest... I was starting to feel sorry for the little Star God, being driven into a corner by such ridiculous methods.
"Sorry about this, God."
"I-Insolent..."
The Star God happened to be slumped on the floor in a criminal's kneeling posture.
I swung the katana down upon its neck.
Serious-san: "Bye-bye."