Who was I?
I had been asking myself that question for a very long time.
Since I was a young child, I had played the role of the Amelia Rose that everyone expected.
From the moment I was old enough to perceive the world around me, I knew I was a special person.
Everyone fawned over me. To my young self, that attention felt wonderful. Praised, and praised, and praised again—I grew up exactly as they wanted.
Yet, for some reason... I did not grow up to be arrogant like the other children of the nobility.
Since my earliest memories, a single doubt had always crossed my mind.
──Why? Why am I being praised?
When I pushed that uncertain thought to its conclusion, I came to understand that it wasn't me, but my bloodline that they truly admired.
Amelia herself was never important. I, as the eldest daughter of House Rose, was what mattered... I understood this with a sense of hollow emptiness.
Even so, the other members of the Three Great Noble Families, like Rebecca and Ariane, had grown up freely while embracing that truth. Without ever becoming prideful, they simply stared at reality and embodied what a member of the Three Great Noble Families should be.
I felt a sense of urgency.
Because I could not behave like them.
No matter what I did, I ended up deceiving myself, putting on a facade, and hiding behind a mask. I felt an irremediable sense of loneliness.
There was nothing I could do about it. So, searching for something to hold onto, I imitated those two and played the part of the noble my parents and friends expected.
Etiquette, lessons, studies, magic.
I mastered them all perfectly. I felt that if I didn't, the "me" inside would simply vanish.
In the first place, even if I claimed I was deceiving myself, there was no "true self" to speak of.
Without even knowing what I truly desired, I was just playing at being a person—nothing more and nothing less.
That was the essence of Amelia Rose.
"Amelia trainee! You're doing well!"
"Ranger!"
After giving the usual salute, I devoted myself to training with him.
In the beginning, when we first started, things were easier. I didn't have the time to worry. The training was just that grueling.
It was so harsh that there were times I tried to run away.
But in the end, I always came back.
Part of it was the feeling that I couldn't run away because I had to move forward... but I knew there was another emotion involved.
I didn't want to be abandoned.
I didn't want him to leave me behind.
Driven by those sorts of negative feelings, I had been training as hard as I could with Ray.
"Alright! Take a break!"
"Ranger!!"
The summer sun beat down on me mercilessly. The cicadas' cries had grown loud, signaling that summer had arrived in earnest. A transparent blue sky and air that was clear to the horizon. And the sunlight, scorching me as if to burn me away.
"..."
Moving away from Ray, I trudged toward the faucet.
As I stared at the ground, I noticed that my shadow was darker than usual, perhaps because the sunlight was so intense. Looking at it, a thought occurred to me.
He was the sun, and I was merely a shadow.
Ray was dazzling. He lived vibrantly, exactly as he pleased. He was a presence that was free to the core and brilliant.
On the other hand, I was a being bound by the chains of nobility and bloodline. I demonstrated with my very body how a noble should behave... but only because I had no other choice. Possessing no freedom at all, I was merely living mechanically. That version of me was nothing more than a shadow.
That was why when I looked at Ray, my shadow became even darker. But a shadow cannot exist without light. And I dreamed that a shadow, too, could become light.
Even though I was nothing more than a Bird in a Cage, I dreamed such an impudent dream... and I was scorched and fell away. A fake was a fake in the end, and it could never become the real thing.
I suppose I was a fool for dreaming.
And yet, I still dreamed that someday, I could become like him.
"...Phew."
I doused my head with cold water, trying to regain my composure.
In this heat, the cold water felt wonderful. After wiping myself dry with a towel, I slumped down on the spot.
When I looked at my hands, they were shaking. That trembling was for the approaching Magics Chevalier. Until now, there had been nothing that forced me to assert my own existence to this extent. But at the Magics Chevalier, my identity would be brought into sharp relief, and I would be ranked as a sorcerer through victory or defeat.
I could not afford to lose.
Because I was Amelia Rose.
But as expected, it wasn't confidence that crossed my mind. Instead, a terrifying anxiety dominated me.
What if I lose?
Even after Ray trained me, what if I lose?
Ray would surely be disappointed in me.
No, not just Ray.
Elisa, Clarice, Evi... everyone in the academy would be disappointed.
They would think Amelia Rose was only at that level...
Perhaps because of that anxiety, my hands had been shaking often lately. I clenched them tightly and headed back to Ray's side.
"Alright. You're back. Let's continue!!"
"Ranger!!!"
So that he wouldn't see into my heart, I fixed my mask in place again today.
Because if I did that, I could remain as I was──.
As the Amelia everyone wanted me to be, I was──.
◇
"Um... what was it you wanted to talk about?"
"Hm? Well, sit down for now. We'll talk after that."
After the training, I alone was called by Lydia and shown into her study. It seemed everyone else was eating in the living room, but for some reason, she told me she wanted to speak with me for a moment.
We hadn't had much contact before. Even when we met in the past, I had never thought of her as Ray's master, so I had only ever given her formal greetings.
Then, after pushing aside the mountain of documents on her desk, she stared intently into my eyes.
"You seem to be working hard."
"...About what?"
"I told you earlier. About the training. Knowing Ray, I'm sure he's being reckless in various ways... but I'd like you to overlook that. Though, he definitely wouldn't force you to do anything impossible, right? That boy is kind, after all."
"That... yes. That's true..."
I wasn't quite following her. Had she called me here just for small talk? But my doubts were soon proven meaningless.
"Now then, Amelia Rose. It seems you're troubled by something..."
"I don't know what you mean."
I played dumb. I couldn't let it be known. I had to keep the mask fixed in place.
I was Amelia Rose, and I had to pretend to be the Amelia everyone expected. Until now, I had played the part for the nobility. Now, I played it for my friends. The "me" that Ray, Evi, Elisa, and Clarice expected was someone strong, noble, and composed.
That was why I played the clown again today.
"This."
"What is that?"
"A letter. From Ray. He sends them from time to time. Recently they were just reports on his life, but... ever since he started training with you, well."
"Well... what?"
"He said he knows Amelia is hiding something, but he doesn't know if he should step in... that's what it says."
"──!"
I gasped.
To think Ray was thinking such a thing. I knew he felt something was off, but I never dreamed he was thinking about it like that. I thought, at most, he felt the training was exhausting or that I was simply pushing for more strength.
"You've heard about Ray's past, haven't you?"
"...Yes. That he was involved in the Far East Campaign."
"Correct. I've looked into his lineage, and he's from a genuine Ordinary family. But he had talent. He possessed a brilliance that easily surpassed even mine—no, the greatest talent in this world. I raised him with the expectation that he would become the world's greatest sorcerer. However, because of me, Ray triggered a Magic Area Overheat... and that led to the present. My only failure was that I wasn't able to sufficiently teach him about the human heart."
"The human heart...?"
"Yeah. When I first met him, Ray was a boy who looked like he had given up on everything in this world. He gradually regained a human heart, but... it still wasn't enough. As expected, there's a limit to what we military personnel can teach. After all, he's strangely mature, or rather, he stands out, doesn't he?"
"Well... yes... that's true..."
Ray had been a bit strange since the moment I met him... he was truly like a soldier. He was strangely stiff, and his manners were impeccable, but it felt somewhat mismatched with his age...
"That was our limit as adults. So I recommended that Ray enter the academy. I wanted him to learn about the human heart there and make precious friends. That's what I hoped for. But I was worried. Could that idiot actually make friends? I thought so, but... it was a needless fear. It seems he has found truly irreplaceable friends. And now, that boy is sensing the nuances of the human heart."
"..."
"Amelia Rose. I don't know what lies within your heart. No one knows, except you. I'm not telling you to expose it. Keeping it hidden until you die is also a choice. But if you are suffering, struggling, and wishing to be liberated—if you wish to become someone other than who you are now... then rely on your friends. Well... it's meddling on my part, but please keep it in mind."
"...Yes."
I left the study in a daze.
Would the day ever come for me when I could pour out these feelings, this inner self?
Was it even okay for such a day to come?
I wasn't as strong, noble, or dignified as everyone thought... I was a coward, a very, very weak person.
Timid, foolish, a total scaredy-cat, always afraid... I was a hopeless person.
"Um... where is the restroom...?"
"Go straight down here, then take the left at the end of the hall."
"...Thank you very much."
I asked a maid I happened to meet and headed for the restroom.
"..."
Once inside, I rested my head against the wall with a soft thud.
Rely on your friends.
Those words continued to pierce my heart.
If I could just pour out these thoughts and this anxiety, how much easier would it be? I wanted to be liberated... I hated being this person. With my current friends... and with Ray, surely they would accept me... but even as I thought that, my body continued to shake.
Ray had told me the truth. He said his hands were stained with blood and that he had killed many people. The moment I heard his past, I hugged him. But that wasn't just because I sympathized with him.
I wanted the strength of heart he had—the strength to speak of such a past.
I was reflexively attracted to that strength.
I wanted to pour out my feelings too, just like Ray. But everyone would surely be disappointed. No, I wanted to believe... that wasn't true.
That contradiction dragged me even further into the abyss.
In the end, humans can only truly understand themselves. No matter how close the distance between friends, they cannot truly understand what lies in another's heart. A distinct divide always exists.
So, just because I thought "it'll be okay because it's them"... in reality, it might not be.
If they learned that I, a member of the Three Great Noble Families, was actually a weak person, they might leave me.
I couldn't stand that. I loved our current relationship. When I was with them, I felt like I could be a bit more like myself. I could dream of a different possibility, someone different from who I had been until now.
That was why I couldn't break it.
I would fasten my mask, craft a facade, and keep playing the part.
That was all I had left.
"Ah... really, I'm beyond help... truly..."
I placed my hands on the mirror and stared at my reflection.
Who exactly was reflected there?
Perhaps I would never be anyone at all──.