What should I do?
That single thought occupied my entire mind. It wasn't that I was particularly agonizing over any specific problem; I was simply bothered by a lingering sense of tension that had formed between Wataru and me.
"We’re already done with that kind of thing."
That moment. Something had gone wrong ever since that moment. Every time I let my guard down, those words would play back in my head, echoing in Wataru’s voice. I was certain I understood the meaning behind them, so why couldn't I just let it go?
I was sure things were awkward for Wataru, too. Even so, there was no doubt that I was the one who had changed since then. Wataru’s face from "that time" and the face he made now—that strained smile as he fought through the awkwardness—were exactly the same. Faced with that expression, a chill would run through my very core, freezing me until my mind went completely blank.
To make matters worse, we ended up sitting right next to each other after the seat reshuffle. Despite that proximity, I couldn't speak to him properly. Yet, every time Wataru left his seat and came back, our eyes would inevitably meet, and I would be forced to see that face again.
I was undoubtedly the reason he wore that expression.
I just wanted us to "get along." Yet I was the one getting in my own way. Was it impossible to go back to how things were? Would I never again get to brag about Airi and have him tell me how cute she was? Would I never hear his self-deprecating jokes that were actually just him bragging about his older sister? The thought that we might never be able to laugh together like that again filled me with an indescribable anxiety.
Three days ago, that was exactly why I’d lost my sense of restraint when I tried to stop Wataru as he walked away, only to end up fleeing by using shopping as an excuse. For some reason, I just couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop myself from trying to hide my flushed face. Regardless, I had been filled with nothing but shame.
And that restlessness manifested in my daily life as a constant state of being off-balance.
◆
"Ah..."
I’d made another mistake. I layered correction tape over correction tape to rewrite it. I’d caused the same kind of accident three times on a single document. I had to admit I was completely lacking focus.
Three times a week—the agreement that was supposed to only tie me down after school had already become meaningless. During lunch breaks and after school, the times when I should have been relaxing, why was I working so feverishly? I couldn't help but feel the same frustration as Sasaki-kun and the seniors.
"......Um, about this part here."
"Oh, right. This part is—"
The third-year seniors were very kind and thorough in answering any questions. However, their posture and the tone of their voices as they faced me were tinged with apology, making them painful to look at.
(What is going on...?)
They were kind seniors. They didn't seem like the type of people who would force work onto underclassmen. And yet, it was obvious to anyone that something was wrong with the Cultural Festival Executive Committee. I couldn't help but feel that something inconvenient was happening behind the scenes that I didn't know about. But as a first-year, my position was too low to find out, and all I could do was silently carry out my assigned role.
Amidst all that, the frustration finally reached its limit. It was particularly evident among the second-year students, who had little authority as upperclassmen and had to handle their own work while also looking after the first-years. A dark, prodding conflict was growing between the second and third-years.
Ping—
"!"
A notification sound played, and it was anything but subtle. As if she’d been waiting for it, Inoue-senpai pulled out her smartphone, her long nails making a rhythmic tapping sound against the screen as she operated it.
"What did Nakazono-kun say?"
"He said, 'Come over.'"
I knew it. I think everyone else around us was thinking the same thing, not just me. Ever since the committee's progress had started to stall, Inoue-senpai and Ogawa-senpai—both managers for the Soccer Club—had begun leaving in the middle of meetings like this. The reason these two could leave with such nonchalance was because the Soccer Club itself harbored a distrust toward the Cultural Festival Executive Committee. Apparently, the reality of the situation here had leaked entirely to the Soccer Club.
The two driving the collapse of the committee were no longer at the stage of being fed up with endless work. They had no attachment to this Cultural Festival Executive Committee; if anything, they seemed to feel as though they were being personally inconvenienced.
As if pulled along by them, the resentment felt by the other seniors began to swell. We first-years could do nothing but work as if trembling, feeling that prickly atmosphere against our skin.
"Taka, you too."
"Y-Yes."
Inoue-senpai was the girlfriend of the Soccer Club captain. I didn't know how much influence a senior like her had within the Soccer Club, but at the very least, it seemed Sasaki-kun couldn't go against her. I knew what was coming next. I let out a small sigh as I continued scratching my pen against the documents.
Still, the reason I couldn't view the seniors as entirely evil was because I had witnessed their kindness right after the committee had started. Another reason was that they didn't just skip from the beginning; they at least made sure to show up here every time. I could see glimpses of a conscience. If only this committee were functioning "properly," then surely by now—
"Oh, I know. Natsukawa-san, you should come too."
"Eh...!"
A sudden invitation. I hadn't expected to be addressed, so I let out a bit of a pathetic squeak. Feeling many eyes on me, I instinctively shrank back.
"True. Natsukawa-san is super cute, so wouldn't the guys be happy?"
"You said you aren't in a club, right? Why not come along for a look? Or maybe you should just join?"
"Stop it, she’ll take all the guys away."
"Nah, we've got Taito anyway."
"U-Um...!"
Inoue-senpai and Ogawa-senpai were getting excited. I didn't know what to do when put on the spot like that. Hearing that boys I didn't know would be happy to see me actually made me feel a bit scared. Unsure of what to do, I looked toward Sasaki-kun, who was looking back at me with an awkward expression that seemed to hold some sort of expectation.
"Um... Natsukawa, what do you think?"
It wasn't a matter of "what do you think?"
Did Sasaki-kun even understand the situation we were in? To begin with, I didn't want them to abandon the committee work halfway through. I understood very well why someone would get fed up after being forced to do work with no end in sight. Even so, I didn't think for a second that throwing it all away because you couldn't take it was the right thing to do. If I did that, I wouldn't be able to hold my head high as Airi's older sister.
"U-Um... I'm sorry."
"Hm? Why?"
"Well..."
I was at a loss for words. However, if I didn't refuse properly, I’d end up in a scary situation and wouldn't be able to face my precious little sister. Becoming a sister that Airi couldn't be proud of was the scariest thing of all.
Because I was in such a hurry, I failed to choose my words carefully.
"—Because an underclassman shouldn't be abandoning their work..."
"..."
I'm sure that sounded incredibly cold.
At the very least, they weren't words I should have said to Inoue-senpai, Ogawa-senpai, or Sasaki-kun. To the three who made a habit of abandoning their work and leaving the classroom, it must have sounded like nothing but a pure insult. I only realized this after the seniors stared back at me with cold, sharp eyes.
"A-Ah... Natsuka—"
"Heh—it sounds like you're saying we're dumping the work on a first-year and bailing. Well, technically that's not wrong. I guess it was our fault for being considerate and inviting you."
"Right? We're 'different' from her. I guess those serious types who don't do club activities and just study all the time are just on another level. This is a total buzzkill. We feel like idiots for being nice and taking care of you."
Ah...
By the time I realized my mistake, it was already too late. Even if I corrected myself immediately, I couldn't take back the offense they’d taken. It would only sound disingenuous. I had simply stated something so undeniably "correct" that anyone would agree.
The truth was the truth. But just because something was true didn't mean it was always right to say it. I had just blown away the meager remains of the seniors' conscience toward the Cultural Festival Executive Committee and turned this place into a space that was simply annoying and unpleasant.
If only I had chosen my words better, it surely wouldn't have turned out like this.
"If you want to work that much, then do this too."
"...Ah......"
As I stood there in a daze after my failure, Ogawa-senpai piled a mountain of documents and files in front of me. She gathered not just her own, but Inoue-senpai's and Sasaki-kun's as well, as if saying the order of the documents didn't matter anymore.
"......What a bunch of idiots."
Hearing those parting words, I knew for certain that I had been hated.