"...Um, really...?"
"...We're not dating."
"B-but..."
This conversation was happening while Natsukawa stood right beside me. While I desperately wished she’d just give it a rest, I answered Haru’s question honestly. There was no way I could have cut through the tension and changed the subject now, no matter how hard I tried.
Haru's bewildered eyes flickered between me and Natsukawa. It was a familiar face; I could tell exactly what she was thinking: Then why are you two walking home together? That was the look. A high school boy and girl, together in a town dyed by the sunset. If I recalled correctly, we’d been at a vague distance from each other when Haru spotted us. Given the mood and the setting, it was certainly understandable that she wouldn’t think we were just friends.
"U-um, well..."
The atmosphere was clearly terrible. The shout that had escaped my mouth earlier and the low voice I’d used to answer her question must have been extraordinary to Haru; I could see her shrinking back. Natsukawa let out a thin, hesitant voice as if trying to be mindful of the situation.
Stop it, Natsukawa. Don’t speak. If you don’t know what to say, don't say anything.
My heated head began to cool. I managed to calm myself down and consciously made an effort to speak with a gentler tone.
"A-Ah, Haru. Like I said, Natsukawa and I aren't dating."
"Eh... 'Natsukawa'...?"
Re-establishing the facts. Natsukawa and I were not dating. Now that I’d said it, she seemed to get hung up on the way I addressed Natsukawa. Something surged violently within me again, but I felt as though the part of my mind trying to suppress my internal emotions was desperately choosing its words.
"—We’re finished with that sort of thing already."
"Ah..."
"Eh? What do you mean?"
"Friends. We’re just normal friends. Our relationship isn't going to turn into anything else from here."
Haru and I had simply gone to the same school. We hadn't been in the same social circle, nor did I have any special memories of her. That was likely why she felt comfortable prying. No matter how awkward things got between me and Natsukawa, it was ultimately someone else's business to her. Even so, the reason I decided to speak to her properly was that I felt a certain sense of shared history with Haru.
"Sorry for giving you the wrong idea. Well, I guess it’s not surprising you’d think that if you knew me in middle school."
"Ah, yeah... Sorry."
"No... See ya."
"Y-yeah."
As I passed by Haru, who wore a face that said she'd screwed up, she ran off to escape the awkwardness. Once I confirmed the sound of her footsteps had faded into the distance, I slowed my pace.
For a while, I couldn’t look anywhere but straight ahead.
◆
"..."
"..."
We stood still, staring at the twilight sky. Thinking about how beautiful it was made me feel embarrassed, as if I were wallowing in sentimentality. Using that as a cue, I turned around.
Her pupils were trembling, and my gaze collided with eyes full of bewilderment.
"Um, sorry about that, Natsukawa. An old acquaintance of mine was being intrusive..."
"Ah, no..."
"...Shall we go?"
"..."
Fun times pass quickly. As if defying that theory, our time of silence—a complete reversal from our previous excitement—felt like it would never end. If there was a version of me that enjoyed this tension, he must be a total pervert. The fork in the road was just up ahead.
"Well, I’m heading this way... See you tomorrow."
I faced Natsukawa and said one last thing.
I couldn't shake the awkwardness. I silently pleaded for her to give me a reply quickly—if she couldn't speak, then at least a nod. I ruminated on that wish in my head. I wanted a reason to start moving as soon as possible.
Even though I was supposed to like her, I wanted to run away. I grew disgusted with my contrary self, as if the passing time was exposing how narrow-minded I was.
"Ah—W-Wataru!"
"!"
I completely stopped my feet, which had already begun to move. I wondered what would have happened if I’d ignored her and shaken Natsukawa off then and there. We surely would have "broken," and tomorrow would have undoubtedly been the start of days even more awkward than this. My brain, forced to make a choice, delivered a desperate judgment.
"...Yeah, what’s up?"
"Ah, um..."
I turned back with my usual tone, feigning normalcy. I saw Natsukawa with a somewhat troubled expression. She looked flustered and panicked.
"U-um... that person from before, Haru-san..."
"...What about Haru?"
"Ah, well..."
Her pupils trembled again. When I asked her back, Natsukawa moved her mouth several times, but the words got stuck. The hand she’d tentatively reached out as if to hold me back seemed to lose its destination; it didn't even grasp the air before dropping awkwardly.
"...It’s nothing."
"...Right."
She was being considerate of me.
Thinking about it, that made sense. Between Natsukawa and me, I was the one who’d been rejected. Natsukawa was the awkward one, and I was the miserable one. No, I was surely being self-conscious just by thinking that. After all, the very act of confessing to someone as unattainable as Natsukawa might have been a mistake to begin with. It wasn't something I, who had held onto a "one in a million" hope, could arrogantly decide.
...I needed to cool my head.
"Well then—"
"W-Wait...!"
Why?
Why was she stopping me? While looking back and forth between my grabbed arm and Natsukawa, I unintentionally pleaded with her through my eyes.
Natsukawa and I were friends. I’d been rejected, but I intended to treat her as a "friend" if that was what she wanted. There had been a time when I was so possessed that I couldn't see what was around me, but even so, I’d been able to convey my feelings well enough. That was why this sense of distance Natsukawa had prepared for me didn't just feel satisfying—it felt like a luxury.
...Was it different for Natsukawa? Since she knew how I felt, there must have been awkwardness. Wasn't that why she hadn't touched upon it at all until now...?
If that was the case, then it should have been fine to just say goodbye for today. It should have been fine to meet again tomorrow with our usual faces. Even if we kept facing each other like this, it would only leave more awkwardness behind the longer we lingered.
"U-Um...!"
"..."
Her grip on my arm was weak. Yet, it was too strong for me to pull away. I hadn't possessed the courage to shake off this hand since the moment I fell for her. Along with my swelling, faint feelings, I felt as if I were being bound by shackles.
"Y-You... um, do you still...?"
"..."
"...Sorry. ...It’s nothing."
"............"
The moment her hand softly let go, I snapped out of it. Before I knew it, I had been staring intensely at Natsukawa. I felt as though she’d been looking at me as if searching my face. Could it be that I had silenced Natsukawa just now...? I hadn't been glaring at her, had I...?
A clear sense of awkwardness transmitted from Natsukawa now. I could see hesitation and bewilderment in her trembling eyes. What should I talk about? What can I say to part ways smoothly? Just what do I have to do to get out of this situation?—Who was the one tying Natsukawa to this spot like that? Wasn't it none other than me? Am I an idiot?
Despite saying I’d know my place, I ended up soaking in lukewarm water, exchanging contact info, and even entering her house; the moment I let my guard down, this was the result. Surely, if I’d relaxed more and let myself go with the flow, it wouldn't have turned out like this. Things would have settled where they were supposed to be. I must have let my greed regarding Natsukawa slip out somewhere. That was why I’d made Natsukawa make that kind of face.
"—You look tired, so let’s leave it at this. Standing around talking will just make you more exhausted, right?"
"...Eh?"
"Look, don't you need to go show your face to Airi-chan soon?"
"Ah, yeah..."
"I’ll tell Haru she lacks delicacy later. Well then, see you tomorrow."
This time, I truly parted from Natsukawa. There was no voice to hold me back, and naturally, no hand to grab my arm. I could feel the things that had been rampaging deep in my chest calming down the more I moved my feet.
Once upon a time, I’d tried to distance myself from Natsukawa. Ashida hadn't been happy about it then. I remembered her saying something to the effect that to Natsukawa, Sajou Wataru was a place where she belonged.
...Is it still like that...?
The idiot had quieted down, and people had started gathering around Natsukawa. With the shadow of another man becoming less prominent, "good guys" had appeared who were starting to aim for Natsukawa. What’s more, if we were just talking about appearances, they looked frustratingly well-matched. Wasn't it around this point...? The timing for Natsukawa to be herself, and the timing for me to stop having to deal with these complicated feelings.
...No.
I didn't need to do anything extra. If there was originally a major difference in our high school lives—if there was a decisive gap in our value as human beings and what was expected of us—then something should naturally change just by spending my time idly. I just needed to wait for that to happen. Without overthinking, I would just live my life as myself.
"...Haa..."
I wonder if there’s a girlfriend out there who’s perfect for me.
—Someone who could make me forget.