“There is a term called ‘Mental Concentration.’ It has strong Buddhist overtones, and if you open a dictionary, you will find a formal-sounding explanation, but that is merely a definition assigned by experts for convenience. Think of it as existing in infinite forms.”
“I-I see...”
Sit in zazen. Following the command, I tried to sit, but I couldn't pull off that master-like posture that came to mind; I could only manage to sit cross-legged. Apparently, that was fine. In fact, he told me that placing the tips of my feet on my knees was actually heterodox because it fixed the legs in place, making it impossible for an observer to read one’s inner agitation. Not that I was planning on doing that anyway.
Since it didn't seem like it would be painful or strenuous, I closed my eyes and listened to him speak.
“The Kanjou Style, as its name suggests, is about mastering ‘observation.’ It is divided into two types: ‘Mental Concentration’ and ‘Heart and Mind Void.’”
Kan... wait, what? Did he just speak Japanese? No, that was so intensely Japanese that I didn't understand a word of it. Could you say that in English? I’m pretty American and Bohemian, you see.
As I stood there bewildered, Shinomiya-senpai stepped in to provide a supplementary explanation, perhaps sensing my confusion.
“It’s easier to understand if you imagine them both as bar graphs. For ‘Mental Concentration,’ think of it as a jagged graph showing various emotional levels being adjusted to a level average. You might think that negative emotions like ‘anger’ or ‘sadness’ would rise in that process, but they are skillfully canceled out by opposing emotions.”
Hm? Oh, uh... I see, that’s seriously amazing. That’s insane, for real. I’m seriously cool; if I master that, I’ll be able to easily brush off gal-ish girls and the like from now on. So yeah, I’m counting on you.
No, no, no... Excuse me? You went through all the trouble of explaining, but I’m not following at all. Graphs? Negative what-cha-ma-call-it? What is this, Math class right after recovering from a fever? Are a, b, and x going to start appearing soon...?
“In contrast, ‘Heart and Mind Void’ is something that returns all emotions to nothingness. To use the bar graph analogy, think of it as a state where everything is at zero. Incidentally, this particular disposition would have been viewed as dangerous in the era of the samurai. In an age where the awareness of killing others was low, it was considered a far too dangerous quality. It is a superhuman disposition that is only permitted because we live in these peaceful modern times.”
Wh-at!? Did you just say something suddenly disturbing!? Killing and whatnot... Just what kind of things are you about to make me learn!? I don't want anything to do with that... that’s no good, okay? Look, I’m all about Love & Peace. I love white doves and New York. I want to eat Hato Sablé.
“For now, I shall see which disposition you possess. You need not think of anything unnecessary; simply meditate and think only of making your heart ‘void.’ Definitions do not matter; show me your own version of ‘void.’”
“Eh? What?”
“Do not dither! I told you to make your heart ‘void’!”
Eek!
He slammed a wooden sword down beside me. I let out a pathetic yelp because I was so startled, but I hurriedly feigned a proper posture, closed my eyes, and tried to empty my heart.
The world within my head began to drift. Since summer vacation started tomorrow, I found myself getting excited thinking about how I’d just sleep the whole time.
...Wait, hold on a second. How exactly do you empty your heart? He said it so casually, but I don’t have my own way of doing it or anything. Uh, uhhh... hmmm...
─────────────────────
“...Wataru...”
─────────────────────
BLUAAAGGHHH!!?
Why!? Why do these super-lewd fantasies of Natsukawa come out at a time like this!? Puberty just jumps out at me, doesn't it!? I mean, wasn't my puberty over!? Calm down—calm down, me!! Times like this are exactly when I should think about the crap I usually think about! Settle down, my short and coarse [censored]!!!
This is bad, this is bad; I have zero concentration. The more I think I have to do this right, the more I think about weird things. It’s one thing if it’s just inside my head, but if it shows on my face, I’m completely screwed. Sigh... focus, focus.
─────────────────────
“...Kaede.”
“...Hayato.”
─────────────────────
GYAAAAHHHHHHH!!?
Why is there a scene of Nee-chan and Yuuki-senpai getting—Guh-ack!? Gross! It’s gross to have a fantasy like that about my own sister!? No, no, why am I fantasizing about this!? I don’t want to think about it, yet I am; what is this!? What am I!? What is Sajou Wataru!? Is he a hottie!?
“Hmph... Hey, open your eyes.”
“Heh? ...!!?”
“...~...~...”
I was ordered to wake in a tone that sounded extremely displeased, only to find Shinomiya-senpai’s face right there in front of me, looking incredibly shaken. I couldn’t even make a sound because I was so shocked, and for some reason, I just stared into her eyes.
Eh...? I mean, why are you at such close range? Our noses are almost touching. Is this some kind of training...? Shinomiya-senpai is trembling way more than I am, though.
Yes, this is it! This is how it’s supposed to be! Boys and girls of this age are supposed to get all flustered just by making eye contact! What was with that hair-touch from Natsukawa!? There was such a total lack of bittersweetness that I ended up just letting her fix my hair normally! Now that I know I’m not hated, it makes things even more... ugh, how am I supposed to act from now on...!?
—Oh, wait, it’s summer vacation. I won’t have to see her for a while. That’s good, that’s good... but I’m so lonely.
“S-Sajou...!? Why do you look like you’re about to cry!?”
“That’s right... I won’t see her for over a month...”
“What are you talking about!? Is it me!? Are you talking about me!?”
What did I do last year...? Natsukawa didn't have a smartphone yet... Ah, that’s right, I found out the time she went out shopping in the evening and lay in wait for her. Wait, isn't that a foul? That’s stalking... huh? For some reason, a memory of her bags being incredibly heavy is coming back to me. Why was I carrying her luggage? I remember my arms trembling and hurting like crazy.
Natsukawa Aika... Ah, the fantasy in my head is cute after all. Isn't it amazing that there’s no difference between reality and the ideal? It’s a bullseye; could there be a destiny greater than this?
—Ah...
Suddenly, a memory from the end of spring surfaced. My thin-featured face reflected in the mirror, and my brown hair and hairstyle that looked like a futile struggle. I remembered how a strange sense of disgust welled up, even before considering whether I was ugly or handsome, because of how half-baked the match was. Why was I doing something so meaningless even if I tried my best...? I think I was just filled with questions.
That’s right, it wasn't me; I wasn't the one. Look at the goal. See, over there—not only is Natsukawa not there—ah, that’s right, I’ve thought about this plenty already. Even if I tried my best to stand beside her, it would just be a daily life of barely hanging on against all sorts of guys. That would just be even more painful as I wore myself down...
“—jou! —Sajou!!”
That’s why I want it... a shitty, normal, easy daily life where the same things just repeat over and over...
“—Hey! Sajou!”
“Nyubea!?”
I was suddenly shaken violently, my tongue flailed in my mouth, and a strange sound came out.
“What is it!? Is it a hostile raid—wait, huh?”
I blurted out something weird. I’ve definitely been playing too many FPS games.
“It’s not ‘what is it’! Your eyes had gone vacant!”
“Oh, uh... maybe that means I succeeded...?”
“The Kanjou Style is not something so eerie!”
“Eerie...”
“Eyes gone vacant.” Those words alone made me feel a bit of my middle-school-syndrome soul being tickled, but having a woman with such a refined face call me eerie is a huge blow. I’m legitimately shocked. Could you make that cute face from earlier one more time?
“Good grief... what were you thinking about?”
“What? Well, I was making my heart ‘void’—”
“One cannot make one’s heart ‘void,’ boy.”
“...Beg pardon?”
The old man chimed in from the side. I wondered what he was going to say, and it turned out to be a contradiction.
Eh... then why did you make me meditate? I ended up desperately thinking about unnecessary things. It was mostly worldly desires. If you knew it was impossible, you could have at least let me think about something mystical.
“Human beings are thinking creatures; they cannot exist without thought. What mattered just now was what you chose to think about when told to ‘make your heart void.’”
“It was mostly worldly desires.”
“Is it Rin’s fault?”
“No, not at all.”
“Why not!?”
Well, you see, for someone like me who has met Natsukawa, the only one who makes my heart go thump is Natsukawa. Shinomiya-senpai just now was a bit cute, but she was just cute; she didn't make my heart race.
“He is the ‘Heart and Mind Void’ type.”
“Eh, am I superhuman?”
“Rin just said that, but it is not quite like that. Normally, when one hears the word ‘meditation,’ one feels a sense of sanctity, so the ‘Heart and Mind Void’ type is rare. And yet, you even went so far as to tell lies and harbor such pessimistic thoughts... youngsters these days.”
Eh, am I being scolded? If I’m the Heart and Mind Void type, isn't that fine in its own way? I’m actually getting excited now that I hear I can reduce my heart to zero or whatever. What, did I have a talent that’s at a prohibited level even in modern times? And as for the lying... it’s true that I might have been doing that toward the end.
“The ‘Heart and Mind Void’ type... the power to settle matters within oneself according to the situation is essential. You simply threw them away without even trying to settle them, you immature brat.”
“...!”
“Wha—Grandfather! I didn’t bring him here for you to give him a lecture like that—”
“Ah, no, it’s fine, Shinomiya-senpai.”
“Throwing them away”... he’s not wrong. In fact, there are parts I did throw away. I’ve known that for a while. It’s true that I have an inferiority complex, but rather than becoming twisted and lashing out because of it, it’s much better to settle into a position that seems appropriate and act accordingly. It might be true that I lack ambition, but what good is there in heading toward something even more painful? It would be a different story if my salary went up because of it, though.
“Incidentally, what is the criteria for the ‘Mental Concentration’ type...?”
“The ‘power to place oneself outside of oneself’... objective thinking is essential. It is even better if you can view this reality as a book and become the reader or the author.”
“I—I thought Sajou was the Mental Concentration type...”
“If there was some basis for that, was this fellow a ‘party involved’ at that time?”
“Ah...”
Was he talking about the incident with Shinomiya-senpai and Inatomi-senpai when we first met? It’s true I wasn't a party involved back then. It wasn't about my way of thinking or anything; I really did just chime in from the side as if it were someone else's business.
...I see. Since I was thinking of myself as one of the characters in that fantasy earlier, I’m not the ‘Mental Concentration’ type. It’s true that if you’re in a bystander's position, it’s someone else's business, and your eyes probably wouldn't go vacant. Seishindo... it’s well-constructed. Eh, then what about that thing with Nee-chan? No, let’s forget it.
Are dreams a good material for judgment...? There are dreams where you’re just watching from the sidelines, and dreams where you spend time as yourself. It’s true, I don’t remember them well, but now that you mention it, I feel like I have many dreams where I spend time as myself.
◆
Just as declared, once my way of thinking—or whatever—was understood, I was finally released. Since there were parts of myself that were somewhat unclear to me, I think it was a good opportunity to dig into them. And as for how to organize my heart—I had only ever thought of myself as myself, so it was a learning experience to know that there are other ways as well.
However, what made me feel dejected was that even when I thanked him, Shinomiya-senpai's grandfather turned a harsh gaze on me as if to say don't ever come back. I get the feeling he just has a temperament that doesn't get along with young people in the first place. Shinomiya-senpai notwithstanding.
“Man, that was something, Senpai.”
“! W-What is it, Sajou?”
“Being a Disciplinary Committee Member seems like it would be too much for me.”
“Th-that is...”
Even if I learned various ways of thinking, even if I could use them as a means, I didn't feel like I could make them my natural way of thinking. If that old man was the source of the spirit of the Disciplinary Committee President, then I, who was called an immature brat by that same old man, wouldn't seem to fit into the committee in terms of atmosphere or human relationships. It would be even more so if Inatomi-senpai and Mita-senpai had also gone through that experience.
“Well then, see you again sometime in the second semester.”
“Ah...”
I parted with Shinomiya-senpai and exited the gate. I already felt like I had been in some kind of public facility rather than a home.
It wasn't that I had a particular change of heart. Nevertheless, somewhere in my head, there was a nostalgia for the time when I was getting ahead of myself, and those foolish days from back then were being replayed in my mind over and over again.