I cupped my hands over my mouth like a mask, catching a whiff of my own cheese-scented breath. The smell snapped me back to reality. If I wanted to look at this senpai and her "gap-moe" charm head-on, I needed to kill my own buzz. Come forth, my inner Sage.
"Anyway... what was this consultation about?"
"Right... It concerns none other than myself."
"About you, Senpai? Not about the Disciplinary Committee members you were just encouraging?"
"Correct."
I had fully expected her to ask for the best way to cheer them up. But it seemed Senpai had troubles of her own. Looking at her dignified posture, she didn't seem the type to have a care in the world.
"As the Disciplinary Committee President, I wish to be a source of strength for my comrades when they are troubled. However, no matter how much advice or encouragement I offer, they always respond the same way: 'You can only do that because you’re the President.'"
"Ah... I see."
I understood what she was getting at.
She probably felt a similar nuance between what I’d said in the hallway—the part about how it wouldn't have mattered if it were another girl—and what her committee members had told her. No matter how much she encouraged her comrades, it had no effect. She was wondering if the flaw lay within herself.
"You can't help but feel like Inatomi-senpai and the others are saying, 'There’s no way someone like you could understand how I feel.'"
"Mmph... Yes. You certainly don't pull any punches."
"And you're consulting a first-year about this?"
"I could never ask those girls something like this. And as you said, I haven't had much opportunity to speak with the boys in my class. That is why I thought you might be the one, and I just happened to..."
"..."
Senpai probably had a greater thirst for knowledge than most. Not just academic knowledge, but insights into the immediate world around her. Since she was the Disciplinary Committee President, she felt obligated to understand the feelings of others—from the students at the center of the class to the ones sitting quietly in the corners. Given her position, she might be suffering from a sort of obsession with that duty.
"I’m more on Inatomi-senpai's side of things, if anything. So even if you explained your values to me in detail, I probably wouldn't understand them."
"I see..."
"But, well, I think I have a sense of what they want from you, Shinomiya-senpai."
"! R-Really!?"
Senpai leaned her face in close. The Student Guidance Room was cramped enough as it was; she was going to make things difficult for me if she kept that up. You're beautiful—may I kiss you? Also, does my breath smell like cheese?
Anyway, as I told her, I actually understood Inatomi-senpai's feelings better. That was because I was on the "ordinary side" in terms of having mediocre specs, rather than being on the "elite side" with someone like Shinomiya-senpai. Though, if I had to be precise, I was just "close" to that side; Inatomi-senpai and I weren't actually alike at all.
To put it in extreme terms, the difference was like a cultural divide. Even if they lived in the same place, the scenery and values would look different to someone who was capable versus someone who wasn't. It wasn't strange for such a gap to exist between a person who policed others and those they were policing.
"To put it simply, they aren't looking for empathy or encouragement from you, Senpai."
"Wh—Then what am I supposed to do!?"
"A simple 'Don't worry about it' is enough... Throw in a pat on the shoulder, and they’ll be more than satisfied."
"Eh...?"
Casual physical contact—nice. No, stop it, my own desires were getting ahead of me. This was a consultation; I was being a professional.
"Because of your title alone, you're like a superior to them, Senpai. That’s exactly why those below you don't want you to lower yourself just to empathize with them. On the contrary, they want you to pull them along, regardless of the circumstances and without room for argument."
"W-Will that really make Yuyu and the others feel more positive?"
"They’re getting a 'Don't worry about it' and a shoulder pat from you, Senpai. I think they'll feel like they’re walking on air."
"A-Am I a God!?"
"To them, you might be even more precious than a God, Senpai."
Oh no, imagining the Disciplinary Committee President with a smile like the Holy Mother almost gave me a maternal urge... I had to stay focused. Let's think about Natsukawa for a second to—wait, why was that making me grin like an idiot?
"What everyone expects of me... I see. Being called 'precious' makes me feel bashful, but I think I understand how I appear to Yuyu and the others now."
"Are you okay now?"
"Yes... But I am human, too. I have times when I feel down. At times like those, who should I rely on?"
"Seeing you like that is exactly what reassures us that the President is human, too. As long as they are your comrades, I’m sure they will support you. It’s just that their way of doing it might be different from yours."
"..."
There was a two-year age gap between Senpai and me, but we were still both students. While the official stance was that there shouldn't be gaps between students, the reality was that massive disparities in standing existed. However, gaps based on legitimate reasons usually only existed as grade differences. That was probably why Shinomiya-senpai had the illusion that she and Inatomi-senpai were more or less equals without any disparity between them.
That was absolutely not the case. Disparities in ability and titles emerged as early as elementary school. Even if they couldn't put it into words, kids realized that much by the time they reached primary school.
"Personally, I think it’d be fine to just get a boyfriend and have him encourage you."
"Wh—That kind of impurity is—"
"What's your type, Senpai?"
"L-Listen to me!"
I had no intention of actually saying the word "disparity" out loud. I had explained it to her using pretty words, but if I’d changed my phrasing even slightly, she would have directed a sharp gaze my way. That was not what I wanted for my peaceful, ordinary life.
Taking a breath, I looked at the clock.
"Lunch... is about to end."
"Yes. My apologies for taking up so much of your time."
"Not at all."
We both stood up and left the Student Guidance Room. Since the students and teachers in the vicinity were staring at us with wide eyes, I put on a weary act as if I’d just been given a thorough scolding, only to have Shinomiya-senpai playfully shove my shoulder. Yes! Physical contact!
"Well then, see you whenever."
"Yes, wait a moment. Come to think of it, I hadn't asked for your name."
"Ah, it's Yamazaki."
Motto for an ordinary person, number one: Do not let people in prominent positions, such as teachers or the Disciplinary Committee President, remember your name.
The alias came out as naturally as breathing. Come to think of it, I’d forgotten to put my nameplate in my chest pocket today. Though, I ended up using Yamazaki's name without thinking. Oh well, he’s in the basketball club and he's good-looking; he’ll be happy to have his name called by a beauty like Senpai.
"Also, I still don't think your kindness was unnecessary."
"Is that so?"
Then you and I will never see eye to eye, Senpai.
A clash of opinions. It is through counter-argument that a discussion holds weight and a person becomes equal to their opponent. However, that first move in the hallway earlier was my limit. Senpai didn't understand just how commonplace and ordinary the junior standing before her really was. Besides, I didn't necessarily know if my own way of thinking was the correct one.
Senpai, with her unyielding convictions and inner strength, was strong. And I was nothing more than ordinary, lacking the fangs to bite back at anyone just to stand by my own beliefs.
By the time I finished buying snacks at the convenience store, the sun had begun to set. The western sky was dyed orange. That said, dusk these days felt quite distant. I wondered if it was true that in the old days, the sun used to fill your entire field of vision at sunset. I’d like to see a sight like that in reality just once.
Looking at the eastern sky, I could see the beginning of the night. If anything, rather than a sunset that was merely beautiful, I preferred this contrast between the light of the west and the encroaching dark of the east. Right now, I found that kind of reality appealing.
"Wataru?"
"!"
As I stood blankly near my house, a woman's voice called my name. Perhaps because of Natsukawa's previous visit, my heart skipped a beat, but it was a familiar voice. Besides, things were a bit awkward with Natsukawa right now. That meant there was only one person this voice could belong to.
"Nee-chan? Wait, what about cram school?"
"I wasn't in the mood today."
Wait, you can just do that? Well, if she says she doesn't want to go, there’s not much to be done. Practically speaking, I’ve heard that studying has zero effect depending on your mood. If that’s the case, I haven't been in the mood to study for years. Hahaha.
Nee-chan stuffed her face with a meat bun while scowling, passing right by me to enter the house. We really were siblings, buying snacks on the way home like that. She was likely scowling because she wanted to forget she was an exam student for at least one day. That was careless of me.
My sister, Kaede, is the type to get even more annoyed if you try to gauge her mood or walk on eggshells around her. I chased after her immediately, bursting into the entryway and heading toward the living room. Along the way, my eyes fell on the plastic bag she was holding.
"Did you... buy one of every kind?"
"No, those guys did."
"Those guys...?"
"It’s nothing."
Rather than wondering if she could eat them all, I figured she would probably polish them off with ease. Despite carrying a ridiculously small bento to boost her "feminine charm" at school, she seemed to make up for it quite aggressively in the morning and at night. Her stomach was probably a bottomless pit.
Just as we were about to enter the living room, Nee-chan stopped in her tracks. I almost bumped into her.
"Nee-chan?"
"You... have you talked to that girl since then?"
"..."
By "that girl," she meant Natsukawa. That visit was the first time Nee-chan had met her. Since I’d been making a huge fuss for a long time about the girl I was in love with, Nee-chan had likely realized Natsukawa was the one.
I’d been talking to Natsukawa relatively normally since then, but for some reason, I hesitated to answer honestly. Instead, I gave an evasive reply.
"You would have known if you were listening to our conversation that day."
"..."
The image of my sister and mother after Natsukawa left that day came to mind. Being women, their interest in a romance story was no joke. I couldn't forget the shocked looks on their faces when I explained that I wasn't someone who could stand by her side.
I waited for the usual verbal abuse, but Nee-chan said nothing. She simply continued forward into the house in silence.
Things you only notice once they're over.