Chapter 4: The Name "Teiro" Is Merely a Matter of Pronunciation

"……Alright!"

Taro Ichijo let out a roar of fabricated motivation and hauled his sluggish, aching body out of the device.

"Look, I’ve got way too many things I want to ask, but do you mind if I start with a few?"

Taro plopped down on the floor next to the sphere, which was currently blinking its lights at him. He hugged his knees to his chest and peered at the orb out of the corner of his eye.

"What exactly are you? Some kind of guide? Are you supposed to handle the manual labor for the humans?"

The sphere spun in place until what appeared to be its front faced him. It aimed its lamp directly at Taro’s face.

[NEGATIVE ON BOTH COUNTS, MR. TEIRO. KOUME-CHAN IS NOT A GUIDE, NOR IS SHE DESIGNED TO PERFORM SPECIFIC TASKS IN STEAD OF HUMANS. BESIDES, ANYONE WITH EYES COULD SEE THAT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, YOU MORON... I SAY.]

"Okay, I definitely heard something incredibly rude at the end there, but I'm going to ignore it for now. Are you what they call a 'True AI'? Like, the real deal? Also, when did your name become Koume-chan?"

In Taro’s memory—at least, as of the 21st century—humanity hadn't even found the starting line for creating a functional AI. If this machine was currently giving him natural, snarky responses based on its own intelligence, it was nothing short of miraculous.

[CURRENT HUMANITY HAS NOT YET DEFINED WHAT CONSTITUTES A 'COMPLETE AI.' HOWEVER, AT THE VERY LEAST, KOUME-CHAN OPERATES VIA A PROGRAM AND IS POWERED BY A QUANTUM BRAIN UTILIZING A CARBON BATTERY. AS FOR THE NAME, ACCORDING TO MY RECORDS, IT WAS ASSIGNED BY MY OWNER, MR. TEIRO. THAT IS TO SAY—YOU.]

The sphere wobbled back and forth, its light blinking in rhythm with its mechanical voice. Taro let out a long, low groan.

"Well, I kind of get it, so let's move on. You said I’m your owner, which sounds great and all, but am I going to get slapped with a massive bill later? Like, is the fee for the shop and the fee for you separate? I have a bit of a trauma regarding hidden costs."

[AFFIRMATIVE. AND ALSO NEGATIVE, YOU PERVE—MR. TEIRO. THE CURRENTLY RECORDED DNA PROFILE OF THE OWNER MATCHES YOURS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. UNDER THE PROVISIONS FOR EMERGENCY EVACUATION PURSUANT TO GALACTIC IMPERIAL LAW, ARTICLE 228, CLAUSE 83, ALL OWNERSHIP RIGHTS TO THIS VESSEL HAVE BEEN TRANSFERRED TO YOU. FURTHERMORE, INFORMATION REGARDING ANCIENT SEXUAL SERVICES IS NOT CONTAINED WITHIN THE DATABANK. IT IS YOUR OWN FAULT FOR BEING SWINDLED BY 'FLAT-RATE' PRICING, YOU PERVE... PERVERT.]

"Hey! You went through all that effort to correct yourself, just finish the insult!"

[UNDERSTOOD, MR. H. TEIRO. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?]

"That 'H' definitely stands for 'Hentai,' doesn't it? It totally does... Sigh. Whatever. Fine. About this ship. It’s dead in the water right now, isn’t it? Was there an accident?"

[AFFIRMATIVE, MR. TEIRO. THE SECTION SPANNING FROM THE POWER UNIT TO THE ENGINE ROOM HAS BEEN DETACHED. THE CAUSE HAS NOT BEEN RECORDED.]

"Wait, for real? If we don't have an engine, this isn't even a ship anymore. It’s just a floating hunk of metal."

[AFFIRMATIVE, MR. TEIRO. IT IS ESSENTIALLY A SLIGHTLY OVERSIZED COFFIN. HA-HA-HA.]

"Exactly! It's a—hey! Don't 'HA-HA-HA' me!"

Taro flicked his wrist, giving the sphere a sharp poke. Koume-chan went tumbling away, rolling across the floor.

[VIOLENCE BREEDS NOTHING, MR. TEIRO. THOUGH, AN ACQUAINTANCE OF MINE WHO USED TO SAY THAT WAS STABBED TO DEATH WHEN HIS INFIDELITY WAS DISCOVERED. HA-HA-HA.]

"Stop it, I already used that punchline... Still, the situation is grim. Being immobile is a death sentence. Oh, right. Do you know what year it is? Or how far we are from Earth?"

[I APOLOGIZE, MR. TEIRO. THE TERM 'WESTERN CALENDAR' CANNOT BE COLLATED WITHIN THE DATABANK. AS FOR THE PLANET KNOWN AS EARTH, IT IS REGISTERED AS A PLANET OF ANCIENT LEGEND. HOWEVER, NO RECORDS EXIST TO CONFIRM IT EVER ACTUALLY EXISTED.]

"Legendary?! Oh, come on... just how far into the future am I?"

Taro collapsed, sprawling out flat on the floor. He’d suspected this was the distant future, but he hadn't imagined it was so far ahead that the very existence of his home planet was a myth.

"This is hopeless... Ah, right, you mentioned the Galactic Empire earlier. Are there any inhabited planets nearby? I still don't really get that ownership stuff either."

[YES, MR. TEIRO. A TERRAFORMED PLANET EXISTS TWENTY THOUSAND LIGHT-YEARS FROM THIS LOCATION. AS FOR THE TRANSFER OF OWNERSHIP, IT FALLS UNDER THE EMERGENCY EVACUATION CLAUSE. ESSENTIALLY, IF A SPACESHIP LOSES ITS OWNER AND THE CREW IS ABANDONED, THEY ARE GRANTED FULL RIGHTS TO THE VESSEL. IF THE SHIP HAD BEEN REGISTERED TO A CORPORATION, OWNERSHIP WOULD REVERT UPON DOCKING AT A PORT, BUT THIS VESSEL HAS NO REGISTERED REGISTRY. IN BOTH NAME AND FACT, IT IS YOUR PROPERTY.]

"I see," Taro grunted, crossing his arms. He didn't understand the legal minutiae, but he understood the bottom line: this massive pile of space-junk belonged to him. Honestly, that was all the information he needed.

"Hah... still, twenty thousand light-years? Is there such a thing as warp? Wait, if we don't have a power unit, that's impossible anyway... Actually, why wake me up now? Was it some kind of 'let's tell him he's doomed before he dies' courtesy? Because that's actually super annoying."

[AFFIRMATIVE. AND ALSO NEGATIVE, MR. TEIRO. OVERDRIVE VIA SPACE COMPRESSION IS POSSIBLE. IT IS THEORIZED THAT THE POWER UNIT FOR THE RESIDENTIAL SECTOR CAN BE UTILIZED. THE REASON THE CRYOSLEEP DEVICE REACTIVATED AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT IS THAT, ACCORDING TO ALL CALCULATIONS, THIS WAS THE FINAL POSSIBILITY FOR YOUR SURVIVAL. IT WAS CERTAINLY NOT INTENDED AS HARASSMENT. PROBABLY.]

"Okay, I'm really curious why you tacked 'probably' onto the end of that, but let’s ignore it. What's this 'final possibility' for me to survive?"

[YES. BASED ON THE SHIP’S CURRENT RELATIVE VELOCITY, THE DISTANCE TO THE NEAREST STARGATE AND SPACE STATION IS APPROXIMATELY EQUIVALENT TO THE MAXIMUM TRAVEL DISTANCE OF AN OVERDRIVE POWERED BY THE RESIDENTIAL SECTOR.]

"A space station! Right, that makes sense. People don't just live on planets... Wait, hang on. So you're saying we’re at the absolute limit of our warp range? If we miss this window, it's game over?"

[AFFIRMATIVE, MR. TEIRO. THE NEXT OPPORTUNITY WOULD OCCUR IN APPROXIMATELY ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THOUSAND YEARS. SINCE THE OPERATIONAL LIMIT OF THE CRYOSLEEP DEVICE IS FIVE HUNDRED YEARS, THE REST GOES WITHOUT SAYING.]

"You’ve got a real way with words. But okay, I get it... so, Koume-chan. Since you went to the trouble of waking me up, I’m guessing you can't drive this thing yourself?"

[AFFIRMATIVE ONCE AGAIN, MR. TEIRO. AS ANYONE COULD SEE, EVEN IF THEY WERE PROFOUNDLY NEARSIGHTED, KOUME-CHAN IS ONLY CAPABLE OF ROLLING. WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU EXPECT FROM A SIMPLE SPHERE?]

"Yeah, yeah, my bad! Then what do you want me to do, you damn ball?!"

[THERE IS ONLY ONE METHOD, MR. TEIRO. YOU MUST DO IT.]

"Me?"

Taro stared blankly at the ten-centimeter sphere rolling on the floor. He watched its red and green lights blink vividly, his face twisted in disbelief.

"Listen, I’m a 21st-century antique. I come from an era where spaceships were things that barely made it to the moon and back. What could I possibly contribute to this?"

[MR. TEIRO. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS 'MOON' IS, BUT YES. IT MUST BE YOU.]

With that, Koume-chan rolled across the hard steel floor. She came to a stop directly in front of the modified cryosleep device Taro had just vacated.

[BY THE WAY, MR. TEIRO. YOU SPEAK GALACTIC STANDARD LANGUAGE QUITE FLUENTLY, DO YOU NOT?]

"Galactic Stand—wait, that’s right! That's the thing! Why the hell can I speak this gibberish? Does it have something to do with the weird knowledge stuffed in my head?"

[UNKNOWN, MR. TEIRO. ONLY YOU CAN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE YOUR OWN BRAIN. HOWEVER, I DO UNDERSTAND THE REASON FOR YOUR LINGUISTIC ABILITIES.]

Koume-chan circled the cryosleep device, her lights flashing green.

[IT IS AN OVERRIDE, MR. TEIRO.]

"An... Override?"

[YES. AN OVERRIDE. THIS DEVICE BEFORE YOU OVERWRITES YOUR MEMORIES. I DO NOT KNOW WHO BUILT IT, WHEN IT WAS CREATED, OR WHY IT IS HERE. HOWEVER, THE OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS FOR THIS DEVICE ARE CONTAINED WITHIN MY DATABASE.]

"Overwrite... my memories?"

A violent chill raced down Taro's spine, making his whole body shudder.

"W-Wait a second. You're saying it messed with my brain? That's... wait. Huh? Japanese... I can't find the Japanese words? Hold on, stay calm. No, no, no, I should be able to speak it! I've spoken it for decades—"

[MR. TEIRO. YOUR LANGUAGE CENTER HAS BEEN OVERRIDDEN. PLEASE, REMAIN CALM. YOU SHOULD EXPERIENCE NO FUNCTIONAL INCONVENIENCE.]

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE CALM, YOU PIECE OF JUNK?!"

In a fit of rage, Taro snatched Koume-chan off the floor and cocked his arm back, ready to hurl her.

[MR. TEIRO. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LINGUISTIC OVERRIDE BEING PERFORMED WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. HOWEVER, IT IS A FACT THAT THERE WAS NO OTHER OPTION. NO ACCURATE DATABASE OF THE JAPANESE LANGUAGE REMAINS IN EXISTENCE.]

Taro stood there, arm raised, teeth grit, breathing like a wounded animal. He took a long, shaky breath and slowly lowered his hand, placing Koume-chan back on the ground. He knew well enough that smashing her against a wall to vent his frustration wouldn't solve a single one of his problems.

"Well... I guess... you're right. Sorry."

Taro buried his face in his knees and took another deep breath. Koume-chan wobbled silently beside him. Whatever she was "thinking," she remained quiet, giving him space.

After a long silence, Taro finally looked up, his eyes landing on the hovering AI.

"So, what do I have to be? A pilot? A grease monkey?"

Without another word, he stood up and climbed back into the cryosleep chamber of his own volition.

[MR. TEIRO. I THANK YOU FOR YOUR WISE DECISION. HOWEVER, YOU WILL BE NEITHER A PILOT NOR A TECHNICIAN. WHILE THOSE WOULD BE USEFUL, KOUME-CHAN POSSESSES THE MINIMUM REQUIRED KNOWLEDGE FOR SUCH ROLES. FURTHERMORE, THIS PROCESS WILL NOT ALTER YOUR PERSONALITY OR APTITUDE. SPECIALIZED EXPERTS ARE UNNECESSARY FOR OUR CURRENT NEEDS, AND WHETHER YOU ARE EVEN CAPABLE OF BECOMING ONE IS A SEPARATE ISSUE.]

Koume-chan floated directly in front of Taro’s face, her lights pulsing.

[MR. TEIRO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE BASIC MECHANISM BY WHICH COMPUTERS OPERATE?]

Taro closed his eyes for a second. "I see."

"Programming. You can't get anything done without that... but I'll need knowledge of whatever I'm programming, right? You can't write accounting software if you don't know the first thing about taxes."

[AFFIRMATIVE, MR. TEIRO. YOUR QUICK WIT IS ADMIRABLE. HOWEVER—]

Koume-chan paused for a beat, an uncannily human gesture.

[YOU ALREADY POSSESS THAT KNOWLEDGE. MR. TEIRO... JUST WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?]

Koume is so cute. In my head, she looks less like Ha-lo and more like a grey Mon-ster Ball.